The thrill of online dating continues unabated, yay me.

fred8666: can I be your slave? I will do any thing that you order me. I will kiss and massage your feet if you let me.

Ginger: I won't. As it says in my profile, nobody touches my feet.

fred8666: can I lick your ass?

Ginger: No, thank you.

Best of Craigslist

Love this post. I've never done the Craigslist thing, because from what I've heard, the majority of men seeking women posts are exactly what she describes here. All the guys I know who date on Craigslist are only looking to get their poles polished, which isn't very encouraging. Anyway, bravo.

Presumptuous

Got an email today from a 25 year old with a special offer:

I know we have a pretty big gap between our ages but i wanted to let you know how attractive you are. Want to get to know you and be that young athletic man to come take care of you on your lonely days where you just need a release. What do you think?

UM.

I think he watches "Real Housewives of Orange County" too much! Not all women in their 30s are lonely and desperately looking to reclaim their 20s. Besides man-hos, I have also eschewed Botox, perma-tans and implants...so far. I'll keep you posted.

Putting the cart before the brood mare

Breeders - I mean, readers - I'm not sure how much longer I can tolerate this attempt at online dating. You have to admit, I've really been giving it a fair shot, but dating in LA is TEH CRAZY. Those of you who've been with me throughout this bumpy ride are already aware that most of my online experiences have been less than positive.

I have my profile up on two dating sites; one free, the other not. I've always been advised to avoid the free sites; common sense dictates that the worst men out there are going to gravitate to sites where they don't have to pay. I haven't found that at all. For the most part, the quality of men on both sites that I've tried have been about equal; believe it or not, Mr. BJ came from the paying site! Then again, Mr. Date Rape came from the free site, which puts free and paying sites neck and neck with me. Being an optimist by nature, I tell myself that hope springs eternal and keep my profiles up.

I recently made the acquaintance of FunnyGuy, a very cute, 37 year old blond with a great smile. FG and I had IMed a couple of times, and I had given him my cell number about six weeks ago. He called that Saturday around 10:30am, waking me up. I had gone to bed around 3am and had slept in that morning. I shouldn't have answered the phone at all - I am an incoherent zombie when I first wake up - but after a glance at my alarm clock, I figured I should get my ass up and start my day. I explained to FG that I'd gotten in late, and would he mind calling me back later on? He apologized for waking me, I said no worries, we both hung up and I put some tea on.

He never called back; shit happens. My morning voice would scare anyone, and I should have let his call go to voicemail. I had a few dates lined up anyway, so I forgot about FG soon enough.

Imagine my surprise when I got an IM request from FG last week. I was curious, so once again, I answered. Here's the convo:

FunnyBoy: hello
Ginger: hello there
FunnyBoy: how are you
Ginger: fine, at work. Yourself?
FunnyBoy: at work too, not much longer
Ginger: nice to hear from you
FunnyBoy: yeah, you'd better be nice to me this time
Ginger: huh?
FunnyBoy: nicer than you were on the phone

Readers, I swear to you, although I admit that I sound like Swamp Thing in the morning, my regular voice is not so bad! Anyway, even half asleep, I still manage to be polite on the phone, especially with someone I do not know, who doesn't know me and therefore cannot interpret my tone. Whatever, I figured that FG was kidding.

Ginger: I wasn't being rude, I was just asleep. Not a pretty morning voice, I know.
FunnyBoy: Do you always do that? Sleep in?
Ginger: If my body needs it, yes. I get less sleep than I need during the week.
FunnyBoy: Well, we're not compatible.
Ginger: based on that?
FunnyBoy: well, yeah
FunnyBoy: I like to live my life
FunnyBoy: and do stuff

Now who's being rude?

Ginger: Uh, I 'do stuff.' I do a lot of stuff during the week, more than most people. Resting the body is important too. What else are weekends for?
FunnyBoy: Well, I get my sleep on weekdays, because I make my own hours at work.

Let me get this straight. He gets to sleep in 5 days a week, I sleep in one or two, and I'm the lazy ass who's wasting her life?

Ginger: Gotta do what's right for you.
FunnyBoy: Well, isn't that a substantive response

'FunnyBoy' was starting to sound like 'AssHat.'

Ginger: OK, Mr. Not Right For Me, why don't we cut our losses and sign off before I disappoint you further?

FG responded by sending me a 'weepy' emoticon. Cry me a river, babe. I figured that would be it. He'd already told me that we were incompatible due to my laziness, so...

FunnyBoy: do you want children

DOUBLE BLINK.

What? He's willing to breed with a sloth like myself?! I had to give FG some credit for giving me a good laugh. I had a choice to make - get more annoyed, sign off, or have a little fun. Must you ask which one I chose after all this time? Really?

Ginger: When would we conceive? We're never in bed at the same time.

I got about 30 seconds of silence as a response.

FunnyBoy: At your parents' house during the holidays.

Cheeky! And, EW. Ok, I'll play.

Ginger: Oh, my father would LOVE that. You should know, I come from a family of lazy-ass weekend sleepers. You'll be lonely...
Ginger: anyway, aren't you putting the cart before the horse here?

I'd like to point out that FG and I had never met in person.

FunnyBoy: no
FunnyBoy: It's a direct question
FunnyBoy: Which you're not answering

A pissy response, but fair enough. It was a serious question and deserved a serious answer.

Ginger: with the right guy, I would have children
FunnyBoy: you can't sleep in when you have kids
FunnyBoy: you know that, right?

Asshattery! I should have signed off at that moment, but...the snark...it calls to me...no! Must! Not! Respond!

Ginger: But you'll be awake! So, no problem.

I giggled as I clicked 'send.' Hey, the guy was warned; my hair color is clearly visible in my profile photo.

FunnyBoy: ok, I'm signing off
Ginger: 'Bye Dad.

We're not incompatible because I sleep in every once in a while. We're incompatible because 'FunnyBoy' has no sense of humor! The irony.

God help me

Readers, it would seem that some 'men of faith' really do see women as replaceable breeder mammals. If they did not, they would not have the misguided notion to send Yours Truly the following email:

Hello Pretty,

That's Hello Kitty's cousin, in case you were wondering.

I'm Kit,

Name changed to protect the guilty, natch.

am passionate, loyal,caring and honest person,am an easy to get along with somewhat quick witted humorous man.

Well, there's a lot in there, and most of it actually sounds pretty good, if a bit form letter-y. I'm aware that dudes usually have a harder time describing themselves than women do. I actually think it's cute that he described himself as 'somewhat' quick-witted...most guys go overboard with a 'look how smart I am' routine. He sounds real. Then again, I have my doubts when somebody calls himself 'easy to get along with.' It sounds deliberately misleading, like calling yourself a gentleman when you're anything but.

I fall in love like a mad person when i have to love someone,

Uh oh, stalker alert! Firstly, when do you 'have to' love someone? Secondly, the 'mad person' description calls to mind a guy who has mastered the drunken angry 4am post-breakup call. Maybe I'm misreading?

Above all about me,am a God fearing man with a child,

And, scene.

Readers, religious people are just fine by me. I was raised in an Irish Catholic family, myself; I can quote the Bible like nobody's business. However, my family instilled a healthy skepticism within me, and a desire to find my own way spiritually. I'm afraid the term 'God fearing' is a bit too fundamentalist for my taste. It's a bit, you know, Old Testament - where men are men and women never leave the house. Fire and brimstone only appeal to me when I'm at a barbecue. FOR MY SOUL!

I kid. To each their own, but I don't like how the funamenalist faction of Christianity treats the wimmins - that includes you, Pope Rat. Females are fully fledged humans, not just baby machines and surrogate mommies...

i visited this site in search for true love and also a loving mother who would love me and my kid...

There it is.

Listen, I think it's actually a good thing that this guy is being honest about his kid. Being a single parent is really tough, and if you're going to be in a relationship, you need to make sure that your new partner cares about your child and is a good role model. It's a tough tightrope to walk once you're a parent, constantly balancing your needs with your kid's. So, maybe when you're looking for a partner, you should look for one with the right qualifications? Like, someone who says she's religious and wants an instafamily? Trust me, kids, there is nothing in my profile along those lines. It certainly doesn't say "Godless Jezebel Seeks Filthy Heathens For Endless String Of One-Night Stands," but it is, shall we say, decidedly secular and independent-minded in nature. I do love kids - I was a nanny for a few years, and because of that, I have no illusions about how much work they are. I may very well have a bambino(a) of my own someday, but am not particularly open to having one dropped in my lap.

i'm on a business trip but want to get to know you.

Twooo wuv and a babysitter for when you're out of town, coming right up!

Nah, I'm busy.

If you saw me in the morning, I'm sure you'd change your mind.

Once again, I must bemoan the large numbers of men who send out pitiful/begging/"neg" emails to women in order to get any kind of response. I received this today:

You seem too flawless for me, but I thought I'd say 'hi' anyway.

Seriously, this is one of the stupidest emails I've ever gotten, and I got an email not long ago from a complete stranger asking whether I take it up the ass. What is this guy getting at? Whether he really thinks I'm out of his league, or is just being sarcastic, this email is a bonehead move. The only response this guy gets is deletion.

As per my usual, there's a different suitor who can top him:

You are like a goddess out of Norse Mythology, but I am the feckless sort inveighed against your message.

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE. Is that supposed to sound smart and cultured? It sounds like it was written by a mouthbreather with no social skills. There's nothing more appealing to a woman than a feckless man who's mistaken her for a Valkyrie! Awesome.

Sigh.

All right, men out there in dating cyberspace - you asked for it. You've reduced me to writing a form letter!

Dear Bepenised Online Daters:
If you dig a chick, email her and tell her so. Better yet, tell her why, and make sure that your explanation does NOT include "U R HOT" or "You're too good for me" or "You remind me of a mythical creature from World of Warcraft." Refer to specific hobbies/quirks/favorite movies in her profile to show that you might have something in common, then ask her if she'd like to correspond. Okay?! It really is that simple. If you sound like a wet dishrag in your email, you're probably even worse in person. Women know this, and you will not get a response. No 500 word novels about your philosophy on life, either - just invite the woman you're interested in to browse your profile. Another thing - it sounds obvious, but fill out your profile. If every section in your profile is blank, or says "ask me," there's nothing for a woman to react to. She will not "ask you," because a dude who leaves his profile blank except for the bare basics is (a) lazy, (b) shady, or (c) very hesitant about online dating. None of those options are appealing. We all hate filling out online profiles, but it's part of the gig. Get a good girlfriend to help you, if you have trouble verbalizing what you're looking for. If you can't make the effort, or are weirded out by these sites, there is nothing wrong with you. Just get off the dating sites and try Meetup.com.

Which brings me to my last beef - if you just want to hit it, you should be on Craigslist's casual encounters.

Understand that even if you act right, you may not get a response quickly, or at all. Do not take it to heart. Online dating is a feeding frenzy - a total numbers game. A woman who is basically pretty and in decent shape (I do put myself in that category), nothing spectacular, not a "10", will still receive hundreds of emails after putting up a profile.

MAN UP. In other words, be direct and friendly. Act like a tool before you've even been face to face with a woman, and chances are you'll wind up sitting at home every night, moaning about how "bitches never go for the nice guys."

Do you think it's easier for women? It isn't. We get propositioned, sent naked pictures (not anywhere near as thrilling as it sounds - trust), spoken to with disrespect (like the time a friend of mine was informed as to which end her breasts fell on the 1-10 scale), upbraided for not responding promptly enough (as if we are children without lives of our own to manage). This all happens before we even meet a guy face to face, and those of us who are smart learn to use such instances to weed out the losers and avoid bad dates. If you are not one of those guys, make an effort not to sound like one.

Keep it real, and you might find something real.

Cheers,
Ginger

The shortest relationship of my life

Hello all.
I spent the weekend in San Fransisco with my girl Tabitha...I have a story, but am so behind at work right now that I can't get into it. I got into LAX at 1am as it is, and am struggling to both stay awake and make my deadline!

Today, I had this little gem in my inbox:

After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I have married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the fantastic memories. You'll always have a special place in my heart!

Your ex-hubby,
Paul

Yeah, it's Monday, all right.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

"Love is a cigar we willingly smoke," writes a man who was interested in my profile.

Problem is, I'm allergic.

So, I guess that's not going to work.

Beware the gentleman who acts like a gentleman.

Readers, it's bad enough that ladies such as myself have to constantly dodge rude men. These days, it would seem that a few shady dudes have realized that, since sleazy doesn't work, they might lure in a few unsuspecting females with a polite facade. This tactic has worked on Yours Truly once before. More than once, actually. It's sad to say, but although I still hold out hope that a polite-sounding man is exactly that, I now have a cynical streak, and I am rarely proven wrong.

Case in point:

Yesterday I received this unusually polite email. It almost sounds like pleading, doesn't it?

Hi Ginger, I'd really like to get to know you. I'm hoping you'll read my short profile and let me know if you'd be at all interested in knowing me a bit better too. I hope you do. We could talk a bit, exchange pics, ideas, and see where that takes us. No stress, drama, lies, or expectations. Just nice words between nice people. Does that sound reasonable? I would love to hear back from you. You have nothing to lose, and you just might like who and what you find. Thanks for your time and consideration. If I don't hear back from you, I do wish you nothing but the best.

"Thanks for your time and consideration?" There's something I never hear; actually, it's the kind of thing you'd put on a cover letter. I guess that's appropriate, since the guy was really trying to sell himself. It was so polite as to be shady. Isn't it horrible that I think this way now? I don't want to, but it's a defense mechanism.

Well, I can benefit from the anonymity of the internet just like any of the crazy dudes who email me. I clicked his profile, which read:

I am an attractive and yes, married man with two wonderful children. Long story, but, I'd love to fill you in. I'm really looking for that one special woman that I can spend my free time with. All I do know is that there has to be more to life than what I am experiencing right now. Please contact me if you'd be at all interested. Who knows, you might be surprised.

Oh, honey. Nothing surprises me any more.

I'm really looking for that one special woman that I can spend my free time with.

The time you should be spending with your two wonderful kids?

Who knows what this guy's story is, and who cares. This is gross! You know, it's married people who've done the best job at keeping me from getting married. Now, I'm sure some of y'all are happily married, but I'm not talking about you peeps.

At least he was upfront about being married before we went out. I haven't always been so lucky!

Holy cow

Remind me why I'm doing the online dating thing again? This was in the profile of a man who's interested in me:

"My barnyard beauties call me 'Pimp Daddy.'"

I...have no words.

Can't begin to interpret it, don't want to.

Mmmmm, I love the smell of paternal condescension in the morning

So I open my email box this morning, and what do I find but a note from a 55 year old gentleman called SamPedro:

You're by far the best woman I've seen on this site, in every respect. Too bad you're too young for me.

First of all, what is the deal with guys getting in touch with me just to tell me that we're incompatible? Are they trying to pull a neg? Do they think I'll shoot them an email right back, begging them to give me a chance? They're just annoying me, and they are incompatible with me.

It got better; Sam suggested a few (completely unnecessary) punctuation and grammar edits to my profile. What?!

Thanks, teach, but if you think that's going to charm a lady, you're the one who has lots to learn.

Educating the future of America

Dear 25-and-under dudes:

What is your deal with women my age? Some of you aren't even out of school yet, and you want to date me. You IM me, you email me, you ask to buy me drinks in bars, and you are never dissuaded when I tell you I'm 35! You tell me I look 26, you tell me you 'love the hair', you tell me 'there's just something about an older woman'. What is that thing, exactly? My grandmother thinks it's a sex thing. "They want you to teach them a few things," she once told me.

Eek. I am not Demi, nor are you Ashton. I am definitely not Dr. Ruth. My online profile specifically states that I'm looking for guys in the mid 30s to mid 40s range.

You are all way smoother than I was at your age, which I find both comical and endearing.

What am I supposed to do with you? I can't bring you home to Dad. My girlfriends, the youngest of whom is 26, would think I had lost my shit. My 31 year old sister would probably have me committed. Even if I braved all of that, what the hell are you and I going to talk about? I'm not saying that you're inarticulate or ignorant of world events just because of your age. It's just that so many of your online profiles overflow with your love of Xbox and Howard Stern. On my last outing with my thirtysomething friends, we talked about Darfur, economic growth in China and Super Tuesday. We also talked about squashing, because we'd had a few drinks and are fascinated by weird fetishes, but you get my point.

Another thing: some of y'all are irredeemably cocky.

Take TimTom, for example (not his real screen name). TimTom, 25, emailed me a few months ago to say:

I always say I want someone who can be spontaneous but slow down and enjoy the finer things in life. Damn you had to be 35 huh??? anyways, cool personality! Enjoy it! It's unique.

That's a nice thing to say, isn't it? I was flattered. I also figured that was the end of it. I was swamped at work that week, so I didn't respond right away, although I intended to send back a 'thanks for that, take care' email. I've done that before, and readers, not many women do it, because guys often don't act right when they feel protected by the anonymity of the internet. I actually believed that TimTom was just being friendly and flirty with no further intentions.

I was mistaken. Two days later, I received this angry email:

A thank you would be nice, you dont have to be rude to me. We dont owe each other much, but for a random compliment, being polite goes a long way. I would like to talk to you, and I am very upfront with people. I am not here to get into your pants you are out of my age range, but I like your personality non the less.

Did I miss something? How was I supposed to know that this dude was trying to strike up a correspondence? Was I supposed to know that I had a deadline to respond? Why would anything I did matter to Tim, who had already made it clear that I was too old for him?

Well, readers, I do aim to please. TimTom wanted a response, and he got one:

Um, what? Why am I getting scolded by somebody I've never met or even spoken to? I don't owe you a reply within a certain amount of time, dude. I've been busy at work and haven't been emailing anybody. Maybe I would have written you back once I read your first email, but there's no chance of that now.

Okay, well, I did write him back, but I had to call him out on his sense of entitlement. I have a tendency to attack the entitled. I simply do not understand people who feel that complete strangers owe them something, and I feel this overwhelming need to knock them down a peg. "We don't owe each other much"? You're a complete stranger, homes. I don't owe you anything.

I thought there was no way TimTom would email me back after that rant, but he did. Ladies and Gents, I present a classic example of The Dudely Backpedal:

Not scolding, Just expressing what I feel. Dont take email personal, it's only words your mind forms the expression and mood. Too many people misunderstand this, and that leads to miscommunication which leads to hurt feelings. I admire your confidence.

Oh, it was all a misunderstanding! Thanks for clearing that up so eloquently, Tim. I'm just a silly little girl who no understand da Engliss. I appreciate you taking the time to soothe my hurt widdle fee-fees. My hero!

Not:

Telling someone how they should have reacted to an email is presumptuous, Tim. You didn't hurt my feelings, you pissed me off by being rude. Try to use your "words your mind forms" to be a little nicer to the next woman that you email. I am out of your age range, as you said, so why don't we just leave it there?

Predictably, Tim couldn't leave it there.

Are you normally agressive like that? I am curious before I get off here to know because you seem like you want a friendship but your throwing my words back at me. If I truly pissed you off it wasnt intentional, I talk my mind. Isnt that better than someone who continuously kisses your ass until they get what they want and leave?

Oh, lord. In one email, Yours Truly was transformed from a confused shrinking violet into Boudica. Might as well have fun with it, right?

No, Tim, I fire back when someone is rude to me. Live and learn - you can speak your mind without being a jerk. I don't put up with rudness, ass kissing, or any kind of nonsense. That's one reason I don't date young - you're way out of my "age range", too. Take this as a lesson to act right if you like confident, mature women. Good luck to you.

I chucked a great deal of TimTom's attitude up to his age and inexperience with women. I showed my friend Liz our correspondence; after she shook her head and laughed, "Only you," she clicked on his full profile, which I will paraphrase:

I am very busy and have plenty of friends. I don't need a girlfriend, don't have time for one at this point. My friends keep me busy and women come second and they need to know that.

Translation: how do I talk to a girl? They have vaginas and I'm scared. I try to sound smart by insulting them. Someone help!

TimTom had fully deserved the email takedown that I had unleashed on him, but I started to soften up after reading his profile. Like the little boy on the playground who gets nervous around the girls in his class, Tim was just pulling my pigtails. I understand that boy very well, because I used to punch the crap out of him when he pulled my ponytail in grade school.

As if he'd read my mind, Tim emailed me again.

I don't totally agree with what you're saying but I am going to thank you for your opinion. As you say live and learn. If we can be friends I can use the use the extra knowledge. Maybe you can tell me more about what a woman wants and how to find a more confident mature woman? I am really tired of dealing with all the 23-28 year old drama.

I feel you, TimTom. Truce!

Fair enough, Tim. I am not a dating coach, but I would recommend that you keep it real. That's the best advice I can give anyone, and I follow that rule myself. Good luck.

Last week, Tim sent me another email:

Hey, I hope you are well and wanted to see how you've been.

That was sweet. I took another look at his profile, to see if he'd changed it. He had, and in it, he described himself as a good and loyal friend, someone who wants to meet nice, no-drama women for friendship or something more serious.

He did well! That attitude will most definitely help him with the ladies. I felt like a proud mama. I thought it best not to respond to his email, though. After all, he's out of my age range.

Um, 'A' for effort?

The online dating thing is tough, but it has its entertaining moments. Here's one of the latest email gems I've received:

"Oh My God! What a Princess!! You are really one sweet girl, even more! You are proof that paradise beings live among us mortals!! Gosh those who live arround you are truly blessed!...You are gorgeous!...

Du är strålande vackert! vilken underbar paradiset varelse!!!...That´s Swedish for: You are illuminating Beautiful! What a wonderful paradise being!

La vostra Bellezza lucida como il sole, ed il vostro sorriso lucida come il cielo di tramonto!!...Parla lei l´Italiano?

Bacio a voi!...a Kiss to you, sweet angel!"

Wowee. That's what I call a diamond turd.

He's enthusiastic, I'll give him that! Direct, no beating around the bush. I do like that. Good use of foreign languages, too...I love a worldly man.

On the other hand, my experiences with men have taught me that any guy who refers to a woman as a 'paradise being' is probably just a few drinks away from skinning and wearing her. Stalkerrific!

Date rape is not a seduction technique!

Here's an IM exchange I had today with a guy that I've been on two dates with. I was considering a third...I think he may have changed my mind.

i'llcallhimchad: when is our next date?
ginger: I don't know - I can't tell how this week is shaping up
chad: i think you can whip it into shape
ginger: well I'm the one getting whipped. We are swamped!
chad: do you like that? or do you prefer a hand?

(On our last date, 'Chad' mentioned that he enjoys "light bondage." I cannot for the life of me remember how that came up. It was the middle of the afternoon - we were at a restaurant having lunch. I am very liberal, but since Chad and I had spent less than a total of 8 hours together, I responded by saying something like, "Do you now?", and changing the subject. Nothing wrong with a little bondage between the bonded, but I barely know this guy.)

ginger: Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Mr Light Bondage
chad: HAHA
ginger: why don't we touch base later in the week?
chad: well im begining to think you aren't attracted to me!
chad: all of our meetings have been during the day...
ginger: All two of them, when we've been so busy?
chad: ha
chad: how am i going to get liquor in you and take advantage?

(Blink. UM. Did he really just say that to a woman he's spent less than two days with?)

ginger: Wow.
ginger: sounds like daytime is safer
chad: maybe

(Is that supposed to be cute? I needed a minute to think, so I didn't respond.)

chad: ooops

(No kidding, dude. Well, I thought I'd give him the chance to back out gracefully, or educate him a little bit as to what many women deal with on the dating scene. Surely he would understand my response then.)

ginger: how do you know that a woman hasn't had a guy try to do that?
chad: well
chad: i think all women have

(And YET, you made the joke anyway! The mind boggles.)

ginger: which makes it not funny
chad: well im sorry then
ginger: yeah, date rape jokes aren't exactly arousing
chad: well if you want to take it there

(How am I the one who took it there?)

chad: i didnt say make you pass out and have sex with you

(OH! What a relief! "I'd like to get you liquored up so I can take advantage" doesn't mean that at all. Why do some guys think this is funny?)

chad: i just implied light lowering of the inhibitions
ginger: Dude, if you need to get me drunk, you're doing it wrong
chad: i dont think david shuster really thought the clintons were pimping out Chelsea
chad: when he said that
ginger: he knew he was being disrespecful, that was the point

(Bloody hell, he's still arguing with me.)

chad: it was analyzed to the detail
chad: and i dont need to get you drunk
ginger: I am not Chelsea Clinton
ginger: i am just a woman who's had guys try all kinds of sleazy shit
ginger: so when a dude makes a joke like that, it normalizes that behavior

(Behavior which is, sadly, common; over half of all sexual assaults involve alcohol. I'm too annoyed to link to any studies, but you can look it up. I have several friends who've been assaulted while drunk, so I am sensitive to this issue, even though I've been spared that experience up to this point. Bepenised readers, you can be certain that you know at least one woman who has suffered this. A woman is sexually assaulted every SIX MINUTES in this country. It is not funny! Be prepared to get called out for this shit.)

chad: ok fair enough
chad: im not like that

(Oh, no, not you! You just think it's a joke, and when a woman tells you it ain't funny, you'll pick nits with her.)

chad: and i apologize for some of my gender
ginger: don't bother, just don't say shit like that
chad: ok ok!

(In otherwords, 'Can it, chick! You're hysterical!' Women hear this all the time when they say 'rape isn't funny.' Come on! You're reading too much into it! It's only words! Know what? I'll calm down when this kind of shit stops happening. Till then, if you're a man and you make a rape joke, you get nowhere near my vagina.)

I signed off right after that.

UPDATE: Fuck it, here's a fact sheet!