Not on the menu‏

Dear readers, pray for me. I am back on the dating scene.

I realize that I've taken a lengthy, unplanned hiatus from this blog, and I've missed the stress relief that comes from writing (as well as the many laughs that I get from reading your comments). Life is finally quieting down. I've been busy with family and work issues, and the holidays are an additional headache to deal with. I'm looking forward to flying to New York (for what feels like the millionth time this year!) to see the fam for Christmas. I hope you are all enjoying your holidays.

This year, I also took an extended hiatus from dating. I wasn't interested, frankly; I also had a very overscheduled life between February and November of this year. Regarding my romantic life, I figured that if something happened, it happened, and if it felt right, I would welcome it.

Well, nothing happened, and by the time I noticed, the year was almost over. One of my single sisters suggested the matchmaking site that she was using. I was hesitant, considering the spotty results that I've had with online dating in the past. However, this was a different site than the one I had used before, and my friend was enjoying some positive results, so I thought I'd give it a try. I put up a profile near the end of October.

To my absolute shock, I have gotten over 150 emails, which is a lot to sift through. But you know what they say; quality trumps quantity. Attention is only flattering when it's coming from somebody that you have a jones for. Truth be told, I have gotten a few emails from rather cute, normal-sounding guys. I went into my first few dates with high hopes.

It didn't take long for my freak attracting pheromones to work their magic.

I went on a date with John, a 44 year old, African American man who is divorced and has a 20 year old son. He works in aerospace engineering quality control. He had beautiful hazel eyes and a great smile; his profile said that he was a 'true gentleman'. He drove almost an hour to meet me for drinks, because he didn't want me to have to drive. I thought that was a lovely gesture. I was looking forward to this date.

We met at a bar/restaurant near my home; we hugged hello and got a table. He wanted to have dinner, which threw me off because I'd made it clear that I just wanted to have drinks. When I'm meeting a man for the first time, I like to keep it short - around an hour. That way, if there's no chemistry, you just part ways. No flag, no foul. I figured that I could get an appetizer. What could go wrong?

Readers, I am way too optimistic.

For one thing, the conversation was really awkward. John would stare at me for extended periods of time without speaking, and I would try to fill the weird silences with questions. When he did speak, he seemed to open his mouth for the sole purpose of putting his foot in it. I now give you a snippet of our dinner conversation, verbatim:

Me: "So, what are you up to in the next few weeks?"
John: "I'm headed to Vegas for work next month."
Me: "Oh! I was there in August. A friend of mine had her bachelorette party there. We stayed at the Paris Hotel and had a blast. Everywhere we went, there was a different group of guys having a bachelor party buying us drinks. The bride's mom came along and danced up a storm with the boys. We actually met some really nice people."
John: "Did you act out?"
Me: "Um. Act out?"
John: "You know. Did you misbehave?"
Me: "Are you asking whether I had sex with a random stranger?"
John: *smiles creepily*
Me: "UM. Not my style."
John: "So, you're not the kind of woman who fucks a guy on the first date?"
Me: (incredulous) "Uh, no."
John: "So, you're conservative."
Me: "If you call being unwilling to risk my health and physical safety with a relative stranger being conservative, I'm on the religious right."
John: "So, I'm a stranger?"
Me: "AND you're strange."

I played it off with humor, but about ten minutes later, he asked, "So I guess a blowjob is out of the question?"

OH MY GOD.


Uh, dude? YOU'RE out of the question. I must have looked horrified, because he tried to backpedal like he had been joking. I didn't buy it. We all know that guys use humor with women to test boundaries. He had crossed mine.

That's an early foray back into the dating scene, kids.

SHUDDER.

UPDATE:Perhaps this incident is part of a phenomenon? All signs point to yes.