Putting the cart before the brood mare

Breeders - I mean, readers - I'm not sure how much longer I can tolerate this attempt at online dating. You have to admit, I've really been giving it a fair shot, but dating in LA is TEH CRAZY. Those of you who've been with me throughout this bumpy ride are already aware that most of my online experiences have been less than positive.

I have my profile up on two dating sites; one free, the other not. I've always been advised to avoid the free sites; common sense dictates that the worst men out there are going to gravitate to sites where they don't have to pay. I haven't found that at all. For the most part, the quality of men on both sites that I've tried have been about equal; believe it or not, Mr. BJ came from the paying site! Then again, Mr. Date Rape came from the free site, which puts free and paying sites neck and neck with me. Being an optimist by nature, I tell myself that hope springs eternal and keep my profiles up.

I recently made the acquaintance of FunnyGuy, a very cute, 37 year old blond with a great smile. FG and I had IMed a couple of times, and I had given him my cell number about six weeks ago. He called that Saturday around 10:30am, waking me up. I had gone to bed around 3am and had slept in that morning. I shouldn't have answered the phone at all - I am an incoherent zombie when I first wake up - but after a glance at my alarm clock, I figured I should get my ass up and start my day. I explained to FG that I'd gotten in late, and would he mind calling me back later on? He apologized for waking me, I said no worries, we both hung up and I put some tea on.

He never called back; shit happens. My morning voice would scare anyone, and I should have let his call go to voicemail. I had a few dates lined up anyway, so I forgot about FG soon enough.

Imagine my surprise when I got an IM request from FG last week. I was curious, so once again, I answered. Here's the convo:

FunnyBoy: hello
Ginger: hello there
FunnyBoy: how are you
Ginger: fine, at work. Yourself?
FunnyBoy: at work too, not much longer
Ginger: nice to hear from you
FunnyBoy: yeah, you'd better be nice to me this time
Ginger: huh?
FunnyBoy: nicer than you were on the phone

Readers, I swear to you, although I admit that I sound like Swamp Thing in the morning, my regular voice is not so bad! Anyway, even half asleep, I still manage to be polite on the phone, especially with someone I do not know, who doesn't know me and therefore cannot interpret my tone. Whatever, I figured that FG was kidding.

Ginger: I wasn't being rude, I was just asleep. Not a pretty morning voice, I know.
FunnyBoy: Do you always do that? Sleep in?
Ginger: If my body needs it, yes. I get less sleep than I need during the week.
FunnyBoy: Well, we're not compatible.
Ginger: based on that?
FunnyBoy: well, yeah
FunnyBoy: I like to live my life
FunnyBoy: and do stuff

Now who's being rude?

Ginger: Uh, I 'do stuff.' I do a lot of stuff during the week, more than most people. Resting the body is important too. What else are weekends for?
FunnyBoy: Well, I get my sleep on weekdays, because I make my own hours at work.

Let me get this straight. He gets to sleep in 5 days a week, I sleep in one or two, and I'm the lazy ass who's wasting her life?

Ginger: Gotta do what's right for you.
FunnyBoy: Well, isn't that a substantive response

'FunnyBoy' was starting to sound like 'AssHat.'

Ginger: OK, Mr. Not Right For Me, why don't we cut our losses and sign off before I disappoint you further?

FG responded by sending me a 'weepy' emoticon. Cry me a river, babe. I figured that would be it. He'd already told me that we were incompatible due to my laziness, so...

FunnyBoy: do you want children

DOUBLE BLINK.

What? He's willing to breed with a sloth like myself?! I had to give FG some credit for giving me a good laugh. I had a choice to make - get more annoyed, sign off, or have a little fun. Must you ask which one I chose after all this time? Really?

Ginger: When would we conceive? We're never in bed at the same time.

I got about 30 seconds of silence as a response.

FunnyBoy: At your parents' house during the holidays.

Cheeky! And, EW. Ok, I'll play.

Ginger: Oh, my father would LOVE that. You should know, I come from a family of lazy-ass weekend sleepers. You'll be lonely...
Ginger: anyway, aren't you putting the cart before the horse here?

I'd like to point out that FG and I had never met in person.

FunnyBoy: no
FunnyBoy: It's a direct question
FunnyBoy: Which you're not answering

A pissy response, but fair enough. It was a serious question and deserved a serious answer.

Ginger: with the right guy, I would have children
FunnyBoy: you can't sleep in when you have kids
FunnyBoy: you know that, right?

Asshattery! I should have signed off at that moment, but...the snark...it calls to me...no! Must! Not! Respond!

Ginger: But you'll be awake! So, no problem.

I giggled as I clicked 'send.' Hey, the guy was warned; my hair color is clearly visible in my profile photo.

FunnyBoy: ok, I'm signing off
Ginger: 'Bye Dad.

We're not incompatible because I sleep in every once in a while. We're incompatible because 'FunnyBoy' has no sense of humor! The irony.