Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Beat it

Hello everyone. I'm so sorry for my long absence. Travel, family obligations and an intense work schedule have prevented me from updating. I just got too tired after a while, and it was killing me to stay away, but I don't like to write half-assed posts.

I assure all of my very patient, loyal readers (who've been coming back and checking up on me, which is very sweet and much appreciated) that there won't be a dearth of stories. I ran into The Saluter again, and I'll have plenty more to regale you with in upcoming posts. Also, to my "admirer" who sent me the bouquet of "e-roses", thank you. That was sweet.

On to the juiciness! I have to share with you an email sent to me by an anonymous poster whose literary urges were, um, aroused by this post, to the point where decided to share his personal dolphin-flogging proclivities with me. His story is bolded and intercut with my usual witty commentary.

I can see how getting caught masturbating could be erotic to someone

I can't, but am quite certain that the Picture Window Wanker would back you up.

about 3 years ago i started a routine during summer every friday night around 2am i would take a hot tub, i would have music on and i would just kick it in my tub and relax and have a drink

So far so good. I love bubble baths myself, which are especially relaxing when accompanied by a glass of wine.

after my tub i would take off my swim suit to let it dry

I don't get the point of wearing a bathing suit in a jacuzzi when you're alone...but I'm a madwoman. I cut the tag off my mattress yesterday.

and lay in my lounge chair naked and dry off

So...covered in the tub, but uncovered on the chair...? Hey, it's your home, but I don't see why...

and then take my time and masturbate


Well, it's your body and your backyard. I'm not going to play coy and pretend I haven't done it; I just haven't done it in the open air. I keep my self abuse confined to the dark recesses of my bedroom, cry all through the act, then check my palms for hair afterwards, like a good Irish Catholic is supposed to.

my flood lights would be on but i have nobody behind me but a bike trail and nobody walks on it usually past 10pm, plus my fence is very private you cant really see through it,

Methinks you were tempting fate, my friend. People walk bike paths all the time, as you surely know, having one right in your backyard. I smell trouble...

well one night i could have sworn i smelled cigarrette smoke and heard girls laughing

"Dear Penthouse Forum...I never believed it could happen to meeee!"

but really couldnt tell with music on, so next day i installed a very tiny wireless microphone in my fence

OH. MY. GOD. You take this one, Wonder Woman...
Oh, he did, girl.

then the next following friday when i was in the tub i put the small ear phone in my one ear and i could hear the crickets it was working so well

Austin Powers 4: The Spy Who Wanked It, coming to a theater near you!

this time i went out 30 mins sooner then i normally do

What to say here? While I firmly believe that no human being should be ashamed of self-pleasuring, I think I would have the exact opposite reaction to being watched; I wouldn't leave my house for a week. This guy is setting up floodlights and mikes like he and his dick are a Broadway act.

so i am sitting in tub and i hear several girls coming up to my fence and the one girl says to the other one thats the yard the one the music is comming from

If his audience had been boys and not girls, you know the story would have ended here. Alas...

and they all start laughing and she tells the other girl to just watch and the dude will start masturbating

That's your cue, Mr. Entertainment!

then she says to her that they have been comming by here for past 2 months almost every friday

DUDE! You must have noticed them earlier. Come on! Guys don't start whacking off in a lawn chair regularly for no good reason, every Friday night, like clockwork. Have you no other hobbies?

See, women just don't have the luxury to be calm in a scenario like this. If I found out that somebody had been peeking over my fence at me for two months, I would either move, or install an electric fence and buy a shotgun and a Doberman.

so at first i was going to just walk over to fence and yell at them

SUUUUURE you were. You were mortified at their presence, which is exactly why you went outside 30 minutes earlier than avoid them! How dare they observe you pulling your pork while facing in their direction! Under floodlights!

but then something made me get out of tub get naked and start masturbating

It's called exhibitionism.

i wanted to hear what they said as i was doing it

See above.

at first they just laughed

Well, that would be the standard teenage girl response to a guy fondling himself in public. They can afford to giggle, because they are of tender age and most are still blissfully ignorant of the myriad insane things that guys are capable of doing.

but then one girl says damm he got a big dick, then another girl was like work that cock baby, i have never been so turned on in all my life

LIES! You made that up or got it from a porno. Women have two reactions to strange penii: laughter or horror. It depends on the situation, and whether or not said woman can get away from Mr. Happy. Listen up, my bepenised readers - a guy that wants to show his girl how he likes it handled can be hot. A total stranger whipping it out under floodlights is NOT NOT NOT. Ergo: laughter.

and to this day each friday i still do this

Anon, you have a compulsion. Handle - ahem - deal with it through therapy, or join a masturbation club. I know they exist because I saw it on Real Sex.

every once in awile some girls and unfortunitly some guys come watch,

You must live in a very small, very boring town.

i am just very flattered that at 37 girls still find me to be that attrative that they want to come back many times to see me masturbate,

First of all, they're not showing up because you're attractive. They're showing up because a guy who mikes and lights his backyard at 2am, then whacks off for teenagers, is a freakshow. Of course, that doesn't mean you're unattractive; I have no idea and don't care. However, you seem slightly distressed to be rapidly approaching 40, so I have to point out that lots of 37 year old men are attractive: Oded Fehr, Mark Consuelos, and Skeet Ulrich, for instance. Men don't have a sell-by date. One of the sexiest men on the planet is Sting, and that hotness will be 56 this year. I've had a crush on 64 year old Harrison Ford for 30 years, and I'd still hit that. Get thee some self esteem, Anon. Professional help may be yours if you look in the yellow pages under "therapist."

now i would never go out and purposly flash someone who didnt want it

That's a relief...

but they come to me to see so i figure nothing wrong with that

Illegal, no. But wrong, in so many ways.

and i would any time at any place masturbate for anyone who wanted to see, its my new found thing and i love masturbating infront of strangers

It's the "any time, any place" part of that sentence that throws me. Then again, you might be the perfect man for some very voyeuristic woman:

Just try to keep it in the backyard, 'kay?



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