Friday, December 28, 2007

The more I hear about this chick, the cooler I think she is.

Diablo Cody punches our culture in the nuts:

"...This is a real paradox for me: My entire life I've been told I wasn't pretty enough. My entire life I was told by people that I was ugly, that I was too tall, that I was flat-chested, that I was this, that I was that. When I was a stripper I was never quite pretty enough. I was never one of the beautiful girls. I was never one of the top earners. Suddenly I achieve something in my life that is purely intellectual and purely creative, and I'm being told that it's because I'm pretty. To me that is the weirdest, most ironic thing ever. Like all of a sudden I'm attractive when it suits people's purposes. But in the past when I needed to be attractive I was ugly. So let's pick. Which is it?"

I think I need to see Juno.
Hat tip: Jezebel.

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Monday, December 17, 2007

Gay man seeks straight woman to share closet

Cheers to all of you new readers who've found my site via Linnaeus' post on Feministe. Welcome!

All has been quiet on the dating front lately, since I haven't been able to find a suitable candidate to go out with. I recently corresponded with a gentleman named Matt, a 41 year old TV editor who wants to be "inspired" by a partner. His profile says, "I'm not broke, and I've got a big smile." Aaah, the bar, it is set so low after a few bad dates. I can confirm from his picture that he is, in fact, quite toothsome. He seemed keen, so after a few emails back and forth, I gave him a call. He didn't pick up, so I left a message.

He called back a few minutes later, half asleep. Strike one! Wake up before you call me, dude! He also had hay fever, so our entire conversation was punctuated by the sound of him blowing his nose. Strike two! Listen, I have allergies, so I can sympathize, but I try to clear out my sinuses before calling a potential date. "So where are you frub? PPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!" Is not appealing. Blow your nose first!

Another thing - I think he might be gay.

By which I mean, in denial of his gay essence, trying to be Teh Straight. He was certainly enthusiastic and chatty. He is very proud that he his vocabulary is full of "SAT words", and this is a good thing. Smart works for me. Here's the problem: He ended? All his sentences? On a high pitch? As if everything he said? Was a question? He asked me if I'd seen "Wicked"; I told him I hadn't but had heard it was good. He then told me that he'd seen it three times, and it was "the best thing ever."

UM. Insert "Friend of Dorothy" joke here! Strike threeeeeeee!!!

Listen, my dad took the family down to Broadway almost every year to see a show, and he's straight as an arrow. Great Thespian And Irish Hottie Kenneth Branagh is one of my fantasy boyfriends. God bless the cultured straight men! But to say? That you're obsessed? With a particular MUSICAL? Pings my gaydar big time.

He also collects puppets. UMMM...


How do these guys find me? I am lucky enough to have loads of fabulous gay friends. Maybe he could smell my haggerati status right through the internets? Or perhaps he saw my picture, with my fierce red hair all done up and curled, and thought, "Debra Messing!".

Bitch, I AM NOT GRACE. Two snaps down!

UPDATE: After reading this post, one of my very fabulous gay friends wrote me to say, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAH! That thing is THE GAY." Glad my gaydar is still in working order.

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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Not on the menu‏

Dear readers, pray for me. I am back on the dating scene.

I realize that I've taken a lengthy, unplanned hiatus from this blog, and I've missed the stress relief that comes from writing (as well as the many laughs that I get from reading your comments). Life is finally quieting down. I've been busy with family and work issues, and the holidays are an additional headache to deal with. I'm looking forward to flying to New York (for what feels like the millionth time this year!) to see the fam for Christmas. I hope you are all enjoying your holidays.

This year, I also took an extended hiatus from dating. I wasn't interested, frankly; I also had a very overscheduled life between February and November of this year. Regarding my romantic life, I figured that if something happened, it happened, and if it felt right, I would welcome it.

Well, nothing happened, and by the time I noticed, the year was almost over. One of my single sisters suggested the matchmaking site that she was using. I was hesitant, considering the spotty results that I've had with online dating in the past. However, this was a different site than the one I had used before, and my friend was enjoying some positive results, so I thought I'd give it a try. I put up a profile near the end of October.

To my absolute shock, I have gotten over 150 emails, which is a lot to sift through. But you know what they say; quality trumps quantity. Attention is only flattering when it's coming from somebody that you have a jones for. Truth be told, I have gotten a few emails from rather cute, normal-sounding guys. I went into my first few dates with high hopes.

It didn't take long for my freak attracting pheromones to work their magic.

I went on a date with John, a 44 year old, African American man who is divorced and has a 20 year old son. He works in aerospace engineering quality control. He had beautiful hazel eyes and a great smile; his profile said that he was a 'true gentleman'. He drove almost an hour to meet me for drinks, because he didn't want me to have to drive. I thought that was a lovely gesture. I was looking forward to this date.

We met at a bar/restaurant near my home; we hugged hello and got a table. He wanted to have dinner, which threw me off because I'd made it clear that I just wanted to have drinks. When I'm meeting a man for the first time, I like to keep it short - around an hour. That way, if there's no chemistry, you just part ways. No flag, no foul. I figured that I could get an appetizer. What could go wrong?

Readers, I am way too optimistic.

For one thing, the conversation was really awkward. John would stare at me for extended periods of time without speaking, and I would try to fill the weird silences with questions. When he did speak, he seemed to open his mouth for the sole purpose of putting his foot in it. I now give you a snippet of our dinner conversation, verbatim:

Me: "So, what are you up to in the next few weeks?"
John: "I'm headed to Vegas for work next month."
Me: "Oh! I was there in August. A friend of mine had her bachelorette party there. We stayed at the Paris Hotel and had a blast. Everywhere we went, there was a different group of guys having a bachelor party buying us drinks. The bride's mom came along and danced up a storm with the boys. We actually met some really nice people."
John: "Did you act out?"
Me: "Um. Act out?"
John: "You know. Did you misbehave?"
Me: "Are you asking whether I had sex with a random stranger?"
John: *smiles creepily*
Me: "UM. Not my style."
John: "So, you're not the kind of woman who fucks a guy on the first date?"
Me: (incredulous) "Uh, no."
John: "So, you're conservative."
Me: "If you call being unwilling to risk my health and physical safety with a relative stranger being conservative, I'm on the religious right."
John: "So, I'm a stranger?"
Me: "AND you're strange."

I played it off with humor, but about ten minutes later, he asked, "So I guess a blowjob is out of the question?"


Uh, dude? YOU'RE out of the question. I must have looked horrified, because he tried to backpedal like he had been joking. I didn't buy it. We all know that guys use humor with women to test boundaries. He had crossed mine.

That's an early foray back into the dating scene, kids.


UPDATE:Perhaps this incident is part of a phenomenon? All signs point to yes.

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