Indignities

"Tell me if you think this is weird."

Gotta love it when a conversation starts like that right out of the gate. First off, if you hear that statement, whatever the asker says or does next is going to be weird. You have been warned!

In this particular instance, my former roommate C.C. and I were chilling one night at home. She was doing her homework at the dining room table, while I lay on the floor, reading a magazine.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, rolling over onto my back.

"Brad does this weird thing when we have sex. It's this strange position...I'm not sure what he's trying to do."

"Oh." C.C. is a wonderful girl that I normally had a lot of time for, but I really, really did not need to hear such things. Brad was a regular visitor in our home; how was I supposed to keep a straight face when he was around? "Well, maybe you should talk to him about it."

"I need you to tell me if it's weird."

I raised an eyebrow. "If you think it's weird, then it is, because you're the one doing it."

"No, really. Let me show you." Before I could move, she had straddled me on the floor so that she could demonstrate Brad's unique sexual skills. I braced myself. After a minute or so of grabbing, bouncing and grinding, she dismounted.

"Come on," she said, "that's weird, right?"

It was, but not quite as weird as being humped by your roommate on your living room floor.

Rent boy redux

Buried at PhotoCasket.com

Readers, I'm sure you all remember this post, in which I related my difficulty in finding a new roommate. Although my online ad specifically says that I'm looking for another single woman to share my apartment with, I've been getting lots of emails from guys. Most of them are gay, with the occasional American Gigolo wannabe thrown in.

I got an email yesterday from a young man called Brent, a 25-year-old self-proclaimed "submissive" who wants to crash at my pad in exchange for being "a cook, maid, errand boy and slave."

Yes, he said slave.

"Would you have any interest in a roommate who'll cook, clean and do literally anything you say?" asks Brent. "I hope so."

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but no, Brent. No interest. In fact, the very word "submissive" turns me off. Call me closed-minded, but leashes are for dogs, not people.

Sigh.

What is it about my ad that screams "S+M"? Apparently "Professional female, 30s, laid-back, clean, looking for same to share 2bed. No drugs, no drama" translates into "GET THAT SKINNY ASS IN THE AIR SO I CAN WHACK IT 'TILL IT'S RAW WHILE YOU SCRUB MY KITCHEN FLOOR! NOW SAY 'THANK YOU, MISTRESS'!!" SMACK!!!

I've only been in LA for 3 1/2 years, so I still don't get some of the lingo. My bad.

Is this happening because I'm on Craigslist? I'm not having this kind of trouble on Roommates.com. I shudder to think about the kinds of responses I'd get if I put up a personal ad.

Rent boy

Remember me, dear readers? I haven't forgotten you either. Yes, this blog has gotten lame in recent weeks. Life's obligations sometimes get in the way of my little hobbies, but I'm trying to get back on track. I've missed my writing!

I've got a new story - tell me what y'all make of this.

At the end of last month, my roommate Sherri moved out. She and I had only lived together for 7 months; my previous roommate and I had shared my apartment for 2 1/2 years before she relocated to New York. I found Sherri through Craigslist, and we hit it off immediately. She told me that she was going through a divorce, which made me a bit wary; I wanted a roommate who was financially stable, and able to stay a while. Fast forward to February - Sherri's divorce is wiping her out financially, and she can no longer afford her attorney and her rent. I feel horrible for her, but she was lucky enough to find a coworker who's also going through a divorce, and offered her a nice place to crash rent-free while she gets back on her feet. All's well that ends well, although it's disheartening to see yet another marriage implode (and the havoc it wreaks on the divorcée).

I got stuck paying all the rent on my place this month, because I was traveling in February and wouldn't have time to meet potential roommates. I'm now on a tight budget, but you have to suck it up sometimes. I've been living here for 3 years, and I want to find a roommate who's sane, which is a bit tricky in LA.

I put the word out to friends and coworkers; I also put up another post on Craigslist. I've gotten a few bites, mostly from guys, which is a surprise. I've never had a male roommate. I know a few women who have, and it was fine; as long as somebody's clean and respectful of shared space, who cares what gender they are?

Today I got an email from a young man - very young, maybe 20 years old. He's a student and an actor (of course), who says he can only pay a few hundred dollars a month, but is willing to cook, clean, and do "other domestic duties" to make up for it.

Umm...

"Other domestic duties?"

***BLINK***

Whaaaa?

I thought I might be reading too much into it, but then I noticed an attachment on the email.

He'd sent his headshot, in which he looked about 12, and seemed to be wearing copious amounts of eye makeup and bronzer. Mind you, my Craigslist post featured pics of my place, but not me.

He also sent a link to his MySpace page, in which he describes himself as a simple Southern boy with a dream, and insists that he'll try anything once. Ahem.

Rent boy, meet Sugar Mama. I do so hate doing dishes.

Just kidding; my apartment has a dishwasher. I'll have to pass, RB. I don't think I'd make a very good john (or is it jane?). God bless and good luck in the vicious industry you've entered. You'll most likely end up prostituting yourself eventually, one way or the other.