Online freaks

I make no bones about the fact that I'm an online dater. By no means is that my only method of finding men to go out with - I've met guys at work, at clubs, through friends, on the street, at the supermarket, while volunteering. I've been set up; I've gone on blind dates, group dates, and double dates. By the time you're in your 30s, you've experienced almost every dating situation ever devised by humanity.

Some people think that online dating is impersonal and weird, but it's a godsend for those of us with busy lives. It's beautiful in its simplicity - you put your profile and pictures up, and voila! People with similar interests email you.

That's the theory, anyway. Truth be told, I've met plenty of nice guys since putting my profile up on a certain popular nationwide dating site. But the freaks, they always find me. Which brings me to the number one reason that I appreciate online dating: screening. If a potential date seems nuts, I simply delete him. No muss, no fuss; no excuses and no explanations. No worrying about feeeeeeeeelings, since I've never even met him. That may sound cold, but readers, I swear that I am not a callous woman, and have only used my powers for good. Here are just a few specimens whom I've deleted:

From a guy called "Ben":
hi please give me one chance!!!
"Hi how u doing, look im really good guy, and Ive been here in usa, for the last 10 years, but right now, I need a litle help, what happen is that I dont have a legal papers to work here, Im looking for some one to marrie me to help me to get my legal status, please consider this offer, I can give a new car for payment, Im desperate to fix my legal status, well if u want to talk more about it, send me a massage at xxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com thanx for your time, hope u do good."

Isn't that romantic? He's already proposing and we haven't even met! What do you call that - "love at first non-sight"? Is a new car supposed to cover the cost of a lifetime of fidelity and commitment? Am I, like the car, a product to be exchanged? He didn't even post a picture so that I could take a look at the kind of nutjob who would email such an insane request to a complete stranger. Sorry Ben, you will not get that one chance. Hope u do good. DELETE!

From a dude with the very suave screen name "Qualitybrides":
Just a quick Hello
"Hey Girlfriend, What'z Up? Quality here close to U! LOL Yah Just around the corner! (maybe) So, East Coast Huh? Well, I'z born & raised here in Cali & finally get a chance to travel all over! Thanks to my JOB! LOL I love the East Coast, Maybe cuz not enough time over there. Hey, Said just a Quick Hello, So give U a chance to respond! Que No? LOL Quality here at; xxxxxx@yahoo.com waiting! LOL"

Que no? Oh, I'll tell you que no. First of all, you call yourself "Qualitybrides". I can imagine how this date would go. Ginger and Quality agree to meet; Ginger shows up to have drinks with Quality; Quality slips a roofie into Ginger's martini; Ginger is forced into Quality's car and is subsequently kidnapped by an international sex trafficking ring. Sex traffickers get to travel all over, thanks to their JOB! LOL! Well, Quality, thanks for the offer, but I choose to DELETE! LOL

From a kid in Egypt called "Wafa":
hi angel for u
"hi Ginger my name is Wafa from egypt iam 23y old ilove to meet u some day and i love to spek sent your email my mail wafa@yahoo.com i love art & musc & sport & spek to matura woman iam here for search sweet angel haert it can be u see u soon ;- )"

My poor Wafa. You seem like a sweet, romantic young thing, and gentle souls like yours are increasingly hard to come by in this hardened and cynical world. But as my profile clearly states, I don't do long distance, and YOU LIVE IN EGYPT. Besides which, even though I could barely understand a word you wrote, I have a feeling that "matura woman" translates into "mommy issues". I love art & music & sport too, but I'm going to have to DELETE. Please don't be sad. ;- )

From someone who calls himself "Fry":
NO MORE SERVICE
"HOWS IT GOING.MY PROFILE WILL PROBALLY STILL BE THERE TO LOOK AT.IM CANCELLING THIS SERVICE TOMMOROW.IF YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK OR THINK IM INTERESTING YOU CAN MAIL ME DIRECT AT xxxxx@PRODIGY.NET.HAVE A GOOD ONE."

Um, Fry? I'm getting the feeling that you've *maybe* had a few bad online dating experiences. It's happened to me too; I sympathize, I really do. SO STOP YELLING AT ME! DELEEEEEEEEEETE! HAVE A GOOD ONE!

From "Willy":
hi
"Wow, Are you for real? You will have to talk me into doing the things I don't like to do that you do. Man I hope I said that right. I am the 5th generation carpenter in my family and I want to do something else. The Illegal immigrants have ruined the construction industry here in America. I play guitar and sing in a country band. And I hope to do some acting. And finish my education. And I hope to be a cook. And I am a writer I have 3 film Ideas. And I am a poet. I assure you I am a gentleman my Mom taught me."

Well Willy, you may think you're gentleman, but you are also a racist with an identity crisis. Your mom should have taught you to relax. Yes, I'm for real. DELETE.

And finally, from "Reggie":
hi
"just wanted 2 say hi...u said u were creative...i need help. go 2 my website and tell me what u think!!"
Soul Food

Ok Reg, here's what I think; a man who would introduce himself to a strange woman in this way does need help - the kind that comes in pill form. But if I ever want to learn how to cook oxtails, I will definitely look you up.

Till then, DELETE!