SPARKLES!

Puke. In. My Mouth.

Hysterical.

Achy face

Single women = lepers!

Take care of your beaver

Innocent

Last fall, Godson and his mom Suzi were driving around while she was doing errands. As they passed a dairy farm, one of the bulls mounted a cow and started going to town. Suzi kept driving without comment, while thinking maybe he didn't notice. I'm really not ready to explain the birds and bees just yet.

After a minute of quiet, Godson piped up, "Hey, Mom! Did you see those cows?"

Oh, shit. "What about them, buddy?"

"They were playing leapfrog!"

I laughed my ass off when his mom told me that story. You only get to be that innocent once.

We went Barack, and we're not going back.

The Onion is The Awesome.

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman
Hat tip: Pandagon.

"Hey kids, get out of the garage. Mom needs some time alone with the S-80."

No further comment needed.

Hat tip: Jezebel.

Friday funny (and true)

I just love Pajiba, the movie review and pop culture website. It features a very funny series called Pajiba's Guide to Getting You Laid, which is frankly hysterical. The latest installment, I Am The Clit Commander!, is written by the Pajibettes and geared towards bepenised readers who would like new tips on how to approach women. The entry begins thusly:

We know better than anyone that all women are different, so we are going to introduce to you different species of the most intriguing creatures of humanity and guide you through what works for us - when aunt Flo isn’t in town.

A very good start, no question. This particular section had me in stitches:

Species: The Mid-to-Late 30s Career Woman
Where you can find her: The Grocery Store, Sur Le Table, Your Office
How to approach her: Side note, guys — before doing anything, check for a ring. I repeatedly hear men my age and younger say they don’t even think to look for a ring. Baffling. Unless you’re just practicing hitting on a woman, scope out the left hand first.

She’s probably heard all the lines before, so you’re going to have to get creative. Humor usually works and depending on the woman, the helpless act can get you some attention. What doesn’t work? Obvious flattery or overt innuendo. Originality and Subtly are your friends.

Ask for her opinion on wine, spices, cheese, or baking items. Don’t ask opinions on vegetables (yes, we’ve all heard how big your cucumber/zucchini/jalapeno is. Please see above for originality) and avoid making small talk about stomach remedies or feminine products you’re buying for your mom. Offering to carry a heavy box for us will get you bonus points. Yes, equal opportunity is great, but we still like having a man carry heavy stuff for us.

This chick’s unlikely to hook up with you after your first encounter, but you’re probably a shoe-in to get digits and arrange a date. We’re liable to think you’re just a nice guy and aren’t really hitting on us unless you make the first overture toward a date. Don’t be fooled by the “unwed by choice” older woman. We’re not all in a race to sink our claws in to get us a husband and Baby-On-Board sign for our mini-vans. We’ve been around the block and are quite comfortable being on our own, but sometimes we want a little sump’n, sump’n, too. Know what I’m sayin’?

If you’re lucky enough to get the call to the Majors - hang on tight. Women in their 30s and 40s tend to be more comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality. We don’t mind telling you what we want and making sure that you’re getting what you need. When everyone’s done and satisfied, you don’t need to spend the night, but don’t trip over your pants running out the door. We enjoy basking in the afterglow, light cuddling and talking a bit. If you’re good at this part too, you can bet you’ll be added to the speed dial in her cell phone.

My name is Ginger, and I approve this message. Read the whole thing if you'd also like to learn how to hit on other female species, such as the 22-year old intellectual disguised with sparkly makeup, the emotional ugly duckling, and the punk chick. It's all very entertaining and well written.

Here's hoping that change really has come to America.

Click for a larger view.

A have a bit of a post-election hangover today. I'm thrilled, but I can't talk about it any more, so this will be a short post.

It wasn't a complete victory last night; Proposition 8 was passed. There are plenty of bigots in my so-called liberal state. Proposition 4 was defeated, which is no small victory for women's rights. Also, in an underreported development, record numbers of women will be serving in the next Congress. We're moving in the right direction slowly, but we are moving!
UPDATE: SOB.
ANOTHER UPDATE: (again, click for larger view)

Hat tip: Slate.
YET ANOTHER UPDATE: the future of America:

Wisdom from Dudeville

Women are not some 'strange foreign race' that you know nothing about. Yes, you will have difficulty understanding them because of eons of social and physiological differences between the genders. But the one thing you can, and have to understand is that a woman is, deep down, just like you. They have emotions, feelings, scars both mental and physical. They have a history.

It's awesome. Go read.

OY.

Calling all my Jewish readers...Sarah Silverman has something to say to you.

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

Wanda and Dave in '08!

ALSO WATCH:
Letterman PUMMELING McCain.

A Leader Who Loves Us - an essay by Alice Walker

Just read it. My favorite paragraphs:

The present administration and too many others before it have shown the most clear and unapologetic hatred for the American people. A contempt for our minds, our bodies and souls that is so breathtaking most Americans have numbed themselves not to feel it. How can they do this or that awful unthinkable thing, we ask ourselves and each other, knowing no one in power will ever bother to answer us. I'm sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power. Our suffering not making a dent in their pursuit of goals that almost always bring more tragedy and degradation to our already fragile, disintegrating republic.

When we are offered a John McCain, who is too old for the job (and I cherish old age and old men but not to lead the world when it is ailing), or a George Bush, or a Sarah Palin, how unloved we are as Americans becomes painfully plain. McCain talks of war with the nostalgia and forgetfulness of the very elderly; Palin talks of forcing the young to have offspring they neither want nor can sustain; both of them feel at ease, apparently, with the game in which their candidacy becomes more of a topic of discussion than whether the planet has a future under their leadership.

This essay was published in the British Guardian; it should be on the front page of every American paper in the nation.

"Remember - if you give your bathtub spout a handjob, it doesn't increase your number!"

Yeah, more politics

But it's a fantastic Monday morning read. My favorite part:

GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that’s what they are. Sarah Palin didn’t say “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said “Thanks.” You were raised by a single mother on food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I’d ask them what their problem is with excellence. While you’re at it, I want the word “patriot” back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn’t know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can’t do both at the same time and call it patriotic. They have to lie — the truth isn’t their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they’ve earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It’s not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? It’s not bad enough she’s forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a teenage hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in that direction too? It’s not enough that a woman shouldn’t have the right to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry and deliver her rapist’s baby too? I don’t know whether or not Governor Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she’s got the qualifications of one. And you’re worried about seeming angry? You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!

Hat tip: Feministe.

Friday funny, feminism

Weird Al - Amish Paradise and White and Nerdy. Videos not embeddable - sorry!

Sarah Palin might want to watch this clip:

RH Reality Check: Does Personhood Start At Fertilization? from RH Reality Check on Vimeo.
Hat tip: Pandagon.

NEWS FLASH: Republicans have discovered sexism...

...but it's only bad when it happens to them.