Bye bye boner

Readers, we all get horny. This is an unequivocal fact of the human condition. It is natural, understandable, and even welcomed (in the right situation). That being said, if one is in an aroused state, one should refrain from treating another human being the way that a dog in heat treats the side of a couch. Do not, for the love of all that is holy, dry hump anyone without an invitation.

Case in point: on a random Saturday afternoon in 2000, Yours Truly was minding her own damn business, riding the T into downtown Boston. The "T", for those of you who've never visited Beantown, stands for "trolley"; it is the Boston subway system. Public transportation is extremely popular in Boston, a city that was built back when the United States was still in its horse-and-buggy infancy. Its proliferation of one-way, extremely narrow streets in the downtown area makes driving a complete nightmare.

So there I was, parked in an aisle seat on the T, reading a book as I traveled towards Downtown Crossing. My car was packed with passengers, many of them standing in the aisle. There was a tall, 40-ish, white gentleman (I use the term very loosely) standing diagonally behind me, almost pressed up against my right shoulder. Every time the car would come to a stop, he would gently "bump" my right shoulder with his, um, crotchal area. Readers, while riding the T, I tended to be a bit more lax in terms of my personal space; 9 times out of 10, someone's pressing against you because they've got no place else to go.

Of course, I wound up on the train with #10. The woman in the seat behind me got off at the Boylston St. stop, but the man to my right did not take the empty seat. No, indeed. Instead, he started to bump me more regularly and forcefully. That would be what brought his massive erection to my attention.

Well, between us, it wasn't massive - I've seen better. I'm just saying that it wasn't a semi; it was full on. Or up. Or whatever - it was uncalled for, no question about that. My Bepenised Readers, I have to tell you that attempting to engage in sexual congress with the back of a woman's shoulder is so very not ok. It shows that you are (a) desperate, (b) extremely presumptuous, or (c) in dire need of a basic sex education class. I don't know about you all, but I was told what went where when I was in the fifth grade (thanks, Mom). Of course, I was around 10 years old at the time, and completely horrified by this new information, but in retrospect, I give mad props to Mother Figure for determining that I could handle it.

Anyway. As relaxed as my "T" attitude normally was, I drew the line at being poked by a random boner. Without looking up or speaking, I pulled my arm forward, tensed it up, and jammed it backwards (into the offending crotch) as hard as I could. Boner Man groaned, doubled over and fell into the empty seat behind me.

That's right, perv, sit your violating ass down.