Lady of the dance

The Morrigan has an absolutely hilarious post up about the practical (and very physical) pain of brazilian wax jobs; I highly suggest you read it. A friend of mine had a similar incident a few years back. She attempted to wax herself without first testing the heat of the wax.

Fire down below!

To escape the burning pain, she jumped into her tub to cool off - and wound up stuck to it. I think it took her almost an hour to extract her (now very raw) labia from the porcelain. This is all funny in retrospect, of course, since she wasn't permanently damaged. At the time, though, she had to contemplate whether to extract herself with considerable bloodshed or call 911. When you're a slave to pubic hair fashion, these are the rewards you reap.

Bepenised readers, allow your favorite redhead to pontificate on the royal pain in the ass that is female grooming and maintenance. If the ladybits are right on the outside, they're not right on the inside, or vice versa; sometimes they're just not right altogether. On a good day, having ladyparts is divine, like owning a heated indoor pool that just happened to be installed between your thighs; orgasmically speaking, we're built with an Uzi to a man's shotgun. On a bad day, though, ladybusiness is like a foreign car - finicky and impractical, stalling at intersections, with weird looking parts that are expensive to replace. It's a double-edged sword, boys. The proverbial blessing-and-curse paradox if there ever was one.

Every single one of us women has some humiliating grooming story in her past. The Morrigan has inspired me to share mine, so here goes:

A FEW YEARS BACK

**ring, ring***

Tabitha: Hello?

Ginger: Hey, it's me. I think I did something really stupid...

Tabitha: (worried) Are you ok?

Ginger: ...I kind of shaved off all my pubic hair.

Tabitha: ....

(moment of silence)

Tabitha: HYSTERIAL LAUGHTER

Ginger: I haven't seen it without hair in twenty years! Oh my god, I look twelve! And I'm cold!

Tabitha: (trying to control giggling) And how did this happen?

Ginger: Um. I was cleaning it up and kind of missed...so I shaved some more off. Then it was uneven so I shaved some more...tried to even it out on the sides...and wound up with a patch that kind of looked...like a Hitler moustache.

Tabitha: OH MY GOD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ginger: I...contemplated leaving it there but it had to go. I cannot look at that every day. I do not have a fascist punany.

Tabitha: (choking) Oh my god.

Ginger: My punany is a blue state. (whiny) Now it's got a bald senator!

Tabitha: (loses it)

Ginger: God, this is going to itch in a week.

It's not just grooming that gets us women into trouble. Like a heated pool or expensive car, the ladybusiness contains delicate parts that need fine tuning. Their temperature, fluid levels and pH can be thrown off by lifestyle, medication and even laundry detergent.

In the early 00's, I wound up on antibiotics for a sinus infection that had spread to my ears. My fellow females probably already know where I'm going with this; as for my male readers, let it be known that antibiotics can dry up the ladybusiness from the inside out. This is, predictably, uncomfortable and requires one to moisturize the area a few times a day.

Towards the end of my prescription, I stepped out of shower one morning after a not particularly great night of sleep. Those of you who are regular readers of this blog already know that I am (a) and insomniac and (b) really, really not a morning person. Having overslept on this particular morning, I was in a rush. Instead of picking up my 'feminine moisturizer', which came in a long plastic tube, my barely awake self grabbed, and applied, tartar control mint toothpaste to my, um...well.


Have you ever seen Riverdance? Picture one of the performers on crack cocaine. I jumped back in the shower, towels and all, to douse what felt like hydrochloric acid burning its way through my most tender parts.

On the bright side, I was completely awake after that. The downside was that I was even later for work than usual. It was also uncomfortable to sit for two days.

So, boys, when you're trying to get with a woman, whether you've been with her before or are making the first move, bear in mind the amount of maintenance put upon the fairer sex by nature and fashion. Show us that you're appreciative of our efforts by keeping your bits clean. I MEAN EVERYTHING. Use baby wipes. Make sure it shines. Yes, we will notice, and in fact, it's the least you owe us for our troubles.

Getting advice

Dating is hard everywhere, for everybody. I know very few people who found their partner early, and even fewer who managed to stay happy. I've always been a quirkyalone, so why do I even date? It's because I know from experience that being in love, and having that love requited, can be pretty fab. It makes food taste better, makes colors seem brighter, rattatat-boom and all that goodness. That is why, even though I think that dating feels like diving into an Olympic swimming pool full of razors, swimming twenty laps, then showering in a bucket of lemon juice, I keep at it.

I had a rather amusing email conversation on this topic with Steve, a friend and former coworker who is gay and in a committed, healthy, happy relationship. Steve keeps it real, his husband Jay is a blast, and their kids - two little weiner dogs - are adorable. I tend to be the person in my social circle who plays armchair psychologist, so it's nice for me to have somebody that I can go to for advice and reassurance every once in a while.

Steve: Sorry I missed your call last night - we were both a little frazzled and just sitting down to eat.

Me: No worries. Want to do lunch this week?

Steve: Next week would be better, assuming I'm still here. I think I'm booked, but you never know.

Me: Awesome. I'm glad they extended you! I'm down for next week. Did you vote yesterday?

Steve: Yes I did.... with the dogs. They both got stickers.

Me: I knew your dogs were patriots. So, please help me out with this...what is up with guys out here? They can't close. They're all "heeeeeyyyyy", but don't actually ask you out. If they do, they don't call to confirm. They don't come up with any ideas for the date. They expect the chick to do everything. Where are the hunters? The ones who say "I dig you and I want to take you to [whatever] restaurant on Friday." I'm a New Yorker, I don't have time for bullshit. It's like passive aggressive Peter Pan syndrome out here. HELP.

Ed note: Yes, I am aware that women can ask men out. I myself have done that several times. Here's the problem that I've experienced - if I do the asking, the guy either freaks out because he thinks I'm already in love with him, or he assumes that he's automatically getting laid. I thought the whole purpose of a date was to get to know somebody, or see if there's any chemistry? Have drinks, maybe an appetizer, keep it short, no pressure? Sounds good on paper, but it doesn't seem to work. Not for me, anyhow.

Steve: I can't help you out because it's just as bad on the gay side. Maybe worse, because guys are naturally sleazier. I had pretty much given up before I met Jay.

Me: Goddammit. I can't even become a cat lady because I'm allergic to cats!

Steve: There's always birds. You could be a Bird Lady.

Me: Tuppence a bag!

Steve: More like a pound sterling with inflation.

Me: Well, at least I'll be a rich crazy bird lady.

Steve: True. Maybe I should look into it because I'm never going to get rich in this business anymore.

Me: Lawd, yes. Whenever a young whippersnapper asks me, "do you have any advice for me in this business?", I say "Invest well," 'cause you never know. Can I print our crazy bird lady convo in my blog? Because I just reread it and laughed. I know my readers would enjoy it.

Steve: Judging by the stock market lately I'm not even sure that's good advice. And by all means blog me.

Me: You rock. I will make ya famous! So, I got a rather depressing email from my friend Patrick, which basically said, "Lower your standards." SAD FACE. Lower than the guy who asked me for a bj over drinks? Lower than the guy who pushed his vegetables around on his plate and barely spoke to me on our second date? Lower than the guy who had three kids by the time he was 27 (never married) and "didn't know why?". DO NOT WANT.

Steve: Honey I can top that - I met the man of my dreams many years ago only to discover he was an "Adult Baby".... he wanted me to diaper him!

Me: Yeah, you win.

Steve: Could have been worse.... could have been a "plushie."

Me: Hahahaha....I'm going to wind up sharing my bed with stuffed animals. Andy Dick makes my dates look well adjusted.

Steve: I think it's just LA. I think that's why I want to leave. I'm over this town.

Me: I may stow away in your suitcase.

Dammit, California, you have a gorgeous coastline, ethnic diversity, great food, beautiful mountains and terrific weather. Please do not make me pay for it all with a Crazy Man Tax!

Clothes are supposed to fit YOU, not vice versa.

Cool chick of the day:

Hat tip: A Socialite's Life

Love and Marriage

I've never been married. Two of the guys I've been involved with were very into the idea, but I said no both times. I'm certainly not anti-marriage, but I've seen good, bad and ugly ones, and the whole concept of intertwining my life so completely with another person scares me. My parents, who had a good marriage, provided a terrific example for my sister and I to follow - particularly because they were open and honest about the tremendous amount of effort, compromise and love that it takes to stay married. Those of you who have already jumped into the deep waters of matrimony, I salute you.

Despite the fact that "marriage is a boat with a 50% chance of sinking" (my dad's words), getting married is expected, considered "normal" in our culture (unless you're gay, God forbid! ~sarcasm~). No question, marriage comes with its joys as well as its difficulties. But the institution itself is status quo, accepted as something that you "just do" when you're grown, one of the final rites of passage into adulthood (until the kids come, which is also expected). My saying "no" to marriage thus far has caused considerable head-shaking among many of my elders, and some of my peers. But it has really been a no-brainer for me. First of all, I've got ants in my pants, as my mother used to say. Up until this point in my life, I've been tremendously restless, needing to be constantly on the move and meeting new people, discovering new places. I also feel deeply that there's a light that has to dawn, a new awareness within me, a feeling of "eureka!", if you will - that will tell me that my life will be better with this particular man in it. That just hasn't happened to me yet.

I'm not afraid of such an intense feeling taking me by surprise, and I'm not afraid of it never coming at all. I'm always amazed when people suggest that I'd be "happier" or "complete" if I were married. I always reply, "Compared to whom?". My family taught me that if you want a marriage to work, you have to enter it already whole. I'm plenty happy, and although I really mean that, just saying it makes me feel like I'm defending myself, which is silly! I've got a great job, wonderful friends and a terrific family. I travel, volunteer, write, and dance. I laugh loudly. I'm grateful for every day. Marriage is, to me, a different lifestyle, not a superior (or inferior) one. It's not for everybody. I still don't know whether or not it's for me. When I go on a date, I'm not auditioning a husband. I'm looking for somebody that I can really connect with, that I can be a better person with. When I find that, maybe marriage will follow. Maybe not. I'll take it one day at a time. So many things in our lives are beyond our control - we can never truly know how we'll feel about today's choices later in life. The fact that nothing in our lives will stay the same, and that we only have today, are our only guarantees.

Whew! I just wanted to post this little marriage quiz for your enjoyment. But after taking it myself, I started to think, and this post turned out to be a little longer than I had expected! Check it out: many of the answers may surprise you! I'd also love to hear from the married and single people out there. What are your thoughts? Please comment!