Soldier up

Like many Americans, I receive male sexual enhancement emails every day. Ironically, I only get them at my work addy. The email system at my company has a "quarantine" function that corrals all non-company emails into one daily email. Each workday, I look forward to opening my "Quarantine Summary" email and reading the following offers:

"Bonus inches of pleasure!"
As the man said, it ain't the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean.

"Proven effect for your penis enlargement!"
Sadly, no 'before and after' pics were provided in the email.

"Gradually your dick will grow larger!"
They usually do, with enough, erm, stimulation.

"Your dick size will never arouse derision!"
Unless it's the size of a gherkin, or you're dating a very cruel woman.

"Improbable effect on your phallus!"
'Improbable' is not a good sales adjective. Sounds dangerous, actually.

"Make your dick bigger and more solid!"
A solid package would make walking difficult, no?

"Watch your thing getting bigger day by day!"
Hey! My boobs do that, thanks to my hormonal cycle. They're magic!

"More power and super-size for your willy!"
How many horsepower does an average dick have, exactly?

"Advantages of a bigger penis are innumerable!"
If it doesn't come with increased intelligence and a sense of humor, spend your money elsewhere.

Fun, aren't they? I make a mad rush to my emailbox every workday to see what new gems are waiting for me. Here's my all-time favorite, though:

"Your little soldier will become a major general!"
Awwww. That's actually cute! Yes, I know that guys hate the word 'cute' when it's used anywhere near a penis, but that ad copy makes me think of March of the Wooden Soldiers, for some reason. Wood!

Ok, I think the stupid penis ads are lowering my IQ. Not opening them any more.