Thursday, March 29, 2007

Will that be one lump or two, sir?


Hello readers,
It's been quite a while since I've done an Ask Ginger column; I've received a handful of questions from readers, but haven't had the time to put my armchair psychiatrist cap on.

Well, today I got a letter that I just couldn't put on the backburner. A reader needs advice, and I am answering the call! Read it and weep. Or laugh. Or both...

Dear Ginger,
For some reason, a few months ago I thought I'd "put myself out there" and try to "get back in the game". So to help me with my new objectives, I created a profile on Match.com. My profile is not the flashiest or funniest one out there; however, within a few weeks I discovered my profile had over 600 hits. I'm sure that in some baseball analogy this would be great but as a woman it is a little creepy. Creepy? Well what if it was 600 times by the same guy??? If so that would instantly scream stalker or indecisive man!

Luckily, Match allows you to see who's viewed you as part of their "it's okay to look" campaign. One person who viewed me and sent a wink caught my eye. His picture was interesting and his profile seemed "fun". I winked back because I quickly discovered that people send winks carelessly as part of their contract if they subscribed to the 6-month guarantee program. to my delight he replied back. His email consisted of merely a yahoo id so we could IM each other. Normally, I prefer a little more substance than just a here's my yahoo id let's IM. However, I added him as a friend and a month later we finally were on at the same time to chat.

Ginger, our chat was fun! It was quick and witty! It was sarcastic and charming! I loved our chat - it was the most fun I had IM'ing in a long time AND it made me feel that there are still individuals to connect with!

A few weeks later we caught each other online. I initiated the chat with a friendly funny "smiley". The first few exhanges promised to live up to the expectations established at the last chat UNTIL...

...he found the need to inform me that he could make a woman cum by playing with her boobs! Was I supposed to reply back with a one or two boobs question? Was I supposed to be in awe and ask him when he could make me cum? First of all, I hate the word "boobs". The word is juvenile and clumsy. According to me boobs are for children, tits are for men and women, breasts are for doctors and bra fittings. Secondly, that is some lame foreplay.

What could I have possibly written to make him respond so, you may be wondering. I had asked him if he had any hidden talents! This "hidden talent" question is a common question posed as an ice-breaker on many popular sites. I saw no harm in it and surely meant nothing dirty by it. I didn't put the words in quotes, or otherwise suggest in writing that I meant something other than what the question asked. I was truly shocked by his response. I like to date the person a few times before our sexual skills are put on the table. After a brief silence I communicated I was shocked by his response, was no longer having fun chatting with him and said goodbye.

Ginger - am I a prude?
Signed,
B-cup


Dear B,
I feel your pain regarding the pitfalls of online dating. To answer your question, 'are you a prude?' I've never liked that word; everyone's sexuality is different, and nobody should feel inferior because of their preferences. One woman's prude is another woman's whore, I guess. You don't like the word "boobs," because you think it's juvenile; I use the terms "boobage" and "chesticles" all the time. I'm personally turned off by the word "cum;" I think it's a bit porno trashy. I prefer to say "orgasm," "climax," or just "wheeeeee!" Does that make me a prude? It's totally subjective. You've got to know what you're comfortable with.

Now, as for your online paramour - let's call him Tit Job. You asked a question, and he answered it. You didn't like the answer, but that's beside the point. Apparently TJ's "hidden talents" do not include juggling, poetry or ventriloquism. He's advertising his alleged sexual prowess, and making it clear that he is a breast man. Many many men are TJs at heart; they just don't say so at such an early point in the game. There's an old joke that if men sprouted breasts, they'd never leave their homes; I suspect there's some truth to that. I'll tell you something else - if you shower with a man, your lovely lady lumps are going to get really, really clean. I mean, those tits are going to sparkle and shine. The same man who's chronically unable to load the dishwasher will astound you with the time and effort that he's willing to put into detailing your mounds of Venus.

We've got them; men don't. They love them, and we can't see what the big deal is. 'Twas always thus. Some women love a good breast massage, and it is indeed possible to get off that way. I certainly don't mind it, as long as my partner doesn't forget that I have other body parts. It can feel pretty amazing, as long as he's not trying to knead bread or tune a radio.

That being said, would I get squicked out at a complete stranger telling me what he'd like to do to me before he even met me face to face? Well, yeah, but that's because I, like you (I assume) am more the relationship type. Men who talk about their bedside manner very early on are just looking to get laid. This approach may have worked for TJ in the past; there are plenty of women who are just looking to get laid. What is a dating site for, if not to match people to like minded partners?

Look at it this way, B. You only met this dude online, so if his approach doesn't work for you, you're done. He can't grab your delicate B's through your computer screen. On the other hand, if you do one day decide that you'd like a nice titty rub, you know where to go!

Got a question? Hit me up!

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6 Comments:

Anonymous Gordon said...

Hey "Ginger",

I caught the Sarah Silverman Sparkling Breast reference! (Just saw Jesus is Magic!)

8:44 PM  
Blogger Ginger said...

You know, I'm not that familiar with Sarah Silverman and I've never seen Jesus is Magic, Maybe she and I dated the same guy?

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