For the last time, I haven't got much back there!

Regular readers already know that I have a magic ass. I'm sure you'll all be happy to read that its powers are as strong as ever!

Saturday night, I went to GLOW '08 with my friends Liz and Melissa. After wandering the beach and pier of Santa Monica, pushing our way through the million people who had shown up to this dusk-till-dawn festival, we made our way down Ocean Avenue to my car.

We stopped at the corner of Ocean and Wilshire to wait for the light to change. I was immediately approached by a tall, skinny, greasy, completely high homeless dude who stopped about two paces in front of me, blocking my way. He stared, smirking.

All three of us ladies took a step back in unison.

"Why?!" I exclaimed out loud, throwing up my hands as I turned away. I truly have no explanation for these incidents, unless I have a Loser Homing Beaon implanted in one of my butt cheeks. There I was, surrounded by younger, more toned, more exposed females, but I'm the one this guy comes after. I was not in the mood. It was one in the morning; I was tired and uninterested in being polite. I retreated behind my friends. CHANGE, light!! Goddam, this is the longest traffic light in history.

Unwashed Weirdo took another step forward. Melissa backed up so fast that she bumped into me.

The light finally changed, and we quickly skirted around UW into the intersection.

"Good evening, Bootylicious," he said as I passed him.

You see, good people, I'm not single because I can't attract men. My onion is a homing beacon for some choice specimens. It's just that those specimens aren't clean. Or sober. Or sane.