Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Guest poster: Meet Veronica

Hello everyone! One of my readers, Veronica, emailed me about one of her own freak encounters after being inspired by this post. Like all classic freak encounters, it's both hilarious and creepy. She has given me permission to share it. Be as nice to her as you are to me! Enjoy.

Dear Ginger,

I looked up your blog to share my own recent freak encounter and was checking out recent posts when I saw the lotus blossom story. My own tale is related to this type-fetishizing thing.

On Wednesday nights I usually go to a local hangout to sing karaoke. I know, I know but I like it. About 3 weeks ago, approximately an hour before closing this guy comes in. We're introduced (let's call him "Hyman"), and he immediately starts frothing at the mouth about how beautiful I am.

"Thanks, I am also married," I reply, flashing my wedding ring. Now I know I am not beautiful, in fact, I am 43 years old, short and fat. Don't get me wrong I am not denigrating myself, just being honest. I am comfortable with who and what I am. I have a nice face and good bearing but Jessica Alba I am not.

Hyman isn't the usual bar trash. He is nice looking, well groomed, decently clothed. Anyway, as it is an hour before close I have had my share of libation and this guy doesn't bother me too much. I write it off as alcohol induced "the girls all get prettier at closing time" syndrome.

The next Wednesday night, I am back at my little club. Haven't been there too long when I look up and meet his eyes as he walks in the door. I nod to be polite and go back to the video game I am wasting money on. Suddenly POOF he is beside me again frothing at the mouth about my supposed beauty and asks me my name (I guess he couldn't remember from last week). I say again "Thanks, but I'm married," (flashing the ring). "That's nice of you to say, thank you..." I'm studiously trying to ignore him without being impolite.

This goes on for a while. He proceeds to lean over and sniff my neck, breathing deeply, then exhaling slowly with an "Aaaahh" and a shudder. I look at him like he's crazy. Then he leans his head over on my shoulder in kind of a snuggle. I drop my shoulder and he lifts his head up. He starts apologizing, again extolling my beauty.

"Sorry," he says, "I just need...I don't know, I need a love canal."

I give a him chilling look and say "Go away." To my surprise, he does just that. I notice him spreading his pollen all over, but it is obvious that I am his favorite little flower. After each rebuff he made a beeline back to me to continue his frothing. So...needless to say I started to keep an eye out for him. He went one way I went another, which is rather hard to do this is a small bar. By the way, the music I sing is all jazzy, bluesy torch singer stuff, so every time I sing a song he stares at me, intently seemingly hoping that "Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight" was meant just for him. Finally he leaves and I am able to spend my last hour in the bar unencumbered.

The following Wednesday here I am back again. This time when I walk in Hyman is already there, only this week he is sitting with this wizened little lady, 60 if she's a day. "Oh great, he's got a date," I think to myself. I have to walk right by him to order a drink and he spies me.

"Oh hi!" he says. "What's your name?"

I said, "If you don't remember then you obviously don't need to know."

I start to walk past, and he tells me the lady is his best friend's mother. I exchange social niceties with lady and beg off, saying "I just got here and I need to get a drink." I do this and sit in front of one of the video games and enjoy my drink and solitude. I use the video games so I won't look like I am on the make, as it were, sitting alone in a bar. Well, Hyman and his date moved to the bar, right beside me. The lady sits between Hyman and myself.

They talk for a bit. I am playing my machine and suddenly she turns around and says "He likes you".

I say "Yeah? Well, he's a jerk."

"What makes you say that?" she asked. I relate to her the story of the sniff, snuggle and the love canal business saying it is nice to be flattered occasionally but that went over the line to offensive. She turns back to him and after a bit he goes to the restroom or something. The lady turns to me and says "Now honey, don't take this the wrong way, but he just adores stout women."

I felt my eyes cross and my jaw drop. I was speechless. When I gathered myself together, I told her that was still no excuse for his boorish behavior. I don't think she knows what "boorish" means. She told me that he had just lost his son, and that he was lonely and not himself. I said that it was still no excuse, that was no way to act in polite company. Hyman then approached and apologized, saying in so many words he was overwhelmed by my beauty.

Seeing a chance to escape, I say "Look Hyman, I think you're probably a nice guy. You're just really overbearing." I patted him on the shoulder and darted away to talk to someone else I knew. Time passed and I suffered no further contact from him/them. I felt safe and went back to my machine at the bar. Hyman comes back but his "date" seems to have left. He again apologizes and and seems at a loss for words. He tries to have normal conversation with me while I am increasingly stand-offish. Well, he loses his resolve and resumes his previous froth. I look at him rolling my eyes and open my mouth to say something scathing when he drops his next bombshell.

"You know what you are?" he says, "You are a matriarch!"

I am stunned, I have that deer-in-the-headlights look I'm sure, eyes wide, mouth open. I'm sure he meant to say something flattering that started with "M," but matriarch is what came out. Then I think about my small family and the way I am a mother figure to all the people who work with me. I burst out laughing and said "You know, in a way you are probably
right."

I went to the DJ, a friend of mine, and laughingly told him the matriarch business. He told me I was about 40 yrs away from being a matriarch; we had a good chuckle over it. I went back to my game for awhile unaccosted. The DJ said, "Next, we have a real singer coming to the stage - our newest matriarch!" I cracked up. I stood up and Hyman caught my eye from across the room. He looked wounded. When I turned around on stage from the steps, he was gone. That was fast! I chided Bobby (the DJ) for his remark; he said he was sorry but he just couldn't help it.

Well, Wednesday night cometh - I wonder what it holds in store for me! I hope you enjoyed the story.

Karaoke Matriarch,
Veronica

Thanks Veronica! That was definitely a unique story. I'm sorry that your karaoke haven has been tainted by the overbearing Hyman. Which video game do you play at that bar? Is it Space Invaders, by any chance? Perhaps he takes the title literally. Between that and the frothing, I'm not sure whether he has OCD or rabies. You might want to suggest a doctor...

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