Diary of a Freak Magnet

If you saw me in the morning, I'm sure you'd change your mind.

2008-05-19T17:13:00.001-07:00

Once again, I must bemoan the large numbers of men who send out pitiful/begging/"neg" emails to women in order to get any kind of response. I received this today:

You seem too flawless for me, but I thought I'd say 'hi' anyway.

Seriously, this is one of the stupidest emails I've ever gotten, and I got an email not long ago from a complete stranger asking whether I take it up the ass. What is this guy getting at? Whether he really thinks I'm out of his league, or is just being sarcastic, this email is a bonehead move. The only response this guy gets is deletion.

As per my usual, there's a different suitor who can top him:

You are like a goddess out of Norse Mythology, but I am the feckless sort inveighed against your message.

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE. Is that supposed to sound smart and cultured? It sounds like it was written by a mouthbreather with no social skills. There's nothing more appealing to a woman than a feckless man who's mistaken her for a Valkyrie! Awesome.

Sigh.

All right, men out there in dating cyberspace - you asked for it. You've reduced me to writing a form letter!

Dear Bepenised Online Daters:
If you dig a chick, email her and tell her so. Better yet, tell her why, and make sure that your explanation does NOT include "U R HOT" or "You're too good for me" or "You remind me of a mythical creature from World of Warcraft." Refer to specific hobbies/quirks/favorite movies in her profile to show that you might have something in common, then ask her if she'd like to correspond. Okay?! It really is that simple. If you sound like a wet dishrag in your email, you're probably even worse in person. Women know this, and you will not get a response. No 500 word novels about your philosophy on life, either - just invite the woman you're interested in to browse your profile. Another thing - it sounds obvious, but fill out your profile. If every section in your profile is blank, or says "ask me," there's nothing for a woman to react to. She will not "ask you," because a dude who leaves his profile blank except for the bare basics is (a) lazy, (b) shady, or (c) very hesitant about online dating. None of those options are appealing. We all hate filling out online profiles, but it's part of the gig. Get a good girlfriend to help you, if you have trouble verbalizing what you're looking for. If you can't make the effort, or are weirded out by these sites, there is nothing wrong with you. Just get off the dating sites and try Meetup.com.

Which brings me to my last beef - if you just want to hit it, you should be on Craigslist's casual encounters.

Understand that even if you act right, you may not get a response quickly, or at all. Do not take it to heart. Online dating is a feeding frenzy - a total numbers game. A woman who is basically pretty and in decent shape (I do put myself in that category), nothing spectacular, not a "10", will still receive hundreds of emails after putting up a profile.

MAN UP. In other words, be direct and friendly. Act like a tool before you've even been face to face with a woman, and chances are you'll wind up sitting at home every night, moaning about how "bitches never go for the nice guys."

Do you think it's easier for women? It isn't. We get propositioned, sent naked pictures (not anywhere near as thrilling as it sounds - trust), spoken to with disrespect (like the time a friend of mine was informed as to which end her breasts fell on the 1-10 scale), upbraided for not responding promptly enough (as if we are children without lives of our own to manage). This all happens before we even meet a guy face to face, and those of us who are smart learn to use such instances to weed out the losers and avoid bad dates. If you are not one of those guys, make an effort not to sound like one.

Keep it real, and you might find something real.

Cheers,
Ginger

The shortest relationship of my life

2008-05-19T11:09:00.001-07:00

Hello all.
I spent the weekend in San Fransisco with my girl Tabitha...I have a story, but am so behind at work right now that I can't get into it. I got into LAX at 1am as it is, and am struggling to both stay awake and make my deadline!

Today, I had this little gem in my inbox:

After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I have married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the fantastic memories. You'll always have a special place in my heart!

Your ex-hubby,
Paul

Yeah, it's Monday, all right.

My superhero

2008-05-12T18:22:00.001-07:00

I really should have posted this on Sunday (in honor of Mother's Day), but damn, have I been a sick puppy. Now that I am feeling human, here is my late Mother's Day dedication to Julie (hi Mom), who passed away eight years ago. She told me this story when I was a teenager.

First of all, Julia Mary was not an ordinary woman. She was the type of woman who said, "I'm going to marry that guy," at age 16 after only her second date with my father, and got him. She declared that she was having "two daughters, five years apart," before even trying to get pregnant, and did exactly that. She had the sixth sense; I believe it, although I feel silly even typing it. Her dreams were premonitions and she could read people in seconds. She's also the main reason that I've never felt a disconnect between femininity and strength; she ran an immaculate household, worked part time and raised two kids while nursing an almost pathological lipstick obsession. When I was little, I would walk up and down the upstairs hallway to get glimpses of her putting her hair in hot rollers, curling her eyelashes or applying perfume. My mother never had a hair out of place, but you did not mess with that woman. She laughed loud and often, but she never minced words. She knew how to get what she wanted, and woe betide you if you were the one who blocked her way.

Now for the story: apparently, when she was pregnant with me, she started bleeding towards the end of her first trimester. I was her first baby, and she was bleeding pretty badly. She wound up in the hospital, sobbing as her doctor told her that she would most likely lose me. Miscarriages are very common during first pregnancies, particularly during the first trimester.

My dad tried to comfort her. "Jule, it's not the end of the world. We can have another baby," he said.

My mother wouldn't hear it. "I want this one," she declared (repeatedly) to everyone who would listen.

Somehow, through a divine act or my mother's sheer determination, the bleeding stopped. Her doctor told her that he'd give her an ultrasound after letting her rest up for a bit. He cautioned her not to be too optimistic, as he was fairly certain that she had miscarried. Mom still wouldn't hear it; she was having her baby, this baby.

She was right; the ultrasound proved I was still in there, and comfy too, thanks very much. The rest of the pregnancy was fine, as I recall - until the labor, which came two weeks late. Sorry about that, Mom. I'm still very hard to move once I've gotten comfortable.

Thanks, Julie, wherever you are, for willing me into existence (yes, Dad had plenty to do with it, but I'm saving that post for June). Thanks for believing that I was irreplaceable, way before you could have had any idea what I would become. Thanks for reminding me of my prenatal tenacity in moments when I felt low. Thanks to you, I'm also a dab hand with an eyelash curler.

Most of all, thanks for pumping your steely determination directly into my DNA that day. It has come in very handy many times since then.

I'm having a movement moment

2008-05-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

I promise, I have a real post coming soon. In the meantime, though, this is hilarious:

"I'm not here to be anyone's babysitter."

2008-05-08T12:24:00.001-07:00

Dear readers, Yours Truly feels like death warmed over. I think that after my move and hectic work schedule, my body just said, "Enough, woman. I'm not cooperating anymore." I'm just trying to get through the day.

In lieu of a new post, check out this wonderful musing on the older woman/younger man dynamic that I've had to deal with so often lately.

"Why do you write strong female characters?"

2008-05-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

Watch it, the whole way through.

Hat tip: Echidne.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

2008-05-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

"Love is a cigar we willingly smoke," writes a man who was interested in my profile.

Problem is, I'm allergic.

So, I guess that's not going to work.

A man by any other name

2008-05-06T10:05:00.001-07:00

Hello, people. Sorry I've been gone a few days; I moved on Saturday, and have been busy getting settled, getting my cable and internet set up, you know the drill.

In lieu of a new post, I'd like to turn your attention to a tradition-defying couple in my current state of residence.

UPDATE: Antigone has a follow up on this subject.

The military continues to be stupid

2008-05-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

Pfc. Monica Brown became only the second woman since WWII to receive the Silver Star, for bravery under fire.

For her exemplary service, she was pulled from combat. That makes a lot of sense!

"I got pulled" by higher-ups, she said, because her presence as "a female in a combat arms unit" had attracted attention.

I love that. Attention for what? Bravery? Or bravery while female? Why is that a problem? Were they afraid she was makin' the boys look bad? Do they think Brown's male peers wish that they'd had their lives saved by a man that day? Do you really think they care?

President Bush has forcefully backed the Army's restrictions, asserting in a January 2005 interview with the Washington Times that there should be "no women in combat." Since her heroic actions, however, Brown was promoted to specialist and has been congratulated by Cheney in Afghanistan, praised in a meeting with Bush at a NATO summit in Romania, and offered a job on the White House staff.

Yeah, that's just what she needs - to go work for the idiot who thinks she can't handle combat (which she has already handled) because she has a vagina.

To be fair, this is the work of Teh Dubya, against the wishes of his own commanders:

Military officers in the field and independent experts have said it is both infeasible and contrary to the Army's own warfighting doctrine to prevent women from serving in proximity to – or together with – all-male combat units in today's war zones. They contend that if the goal of the policy is to protect women from capture or bodily harm, it cannot be done in the scramble of conflicts such as those in the Middle East.

Listen to the praise this medic has received from her superiors and peers:

No sooner were they in the ditch that insurgents began firing mortars. Brown threw her body over Smith, shielding him as more than a dozen rounds hit nearby. The ammunition inside the burning Humvee then started exploding, including 60mm mortars, 40mm grenade rounds and rifle ammunition. Again, Brown lay over the wounded.

Robbins, the platoon leader, repositioned his Humvee near the injured and was incredulous that Brown had survived. "I was surprised I didn't get killed and she'd been over there for 10, 15 minutes longer," he recalled.

"There was small arms coming in from two different machine-gun positions, mortars falling . . . a burning Humvee with 16 mortar rounds in it, chunks of aluminum the size of softballs flying all around," said Robbins, of Portsmouth, R.I. "It was about as hairy as it gets."

Across Afghanistan, female medics such as Brown are regularly sent to serve with combat units. "The real catch was to have a female medic out there because of the cultural sensitivities and the flexibility that gave commanders," said Maj. Paul Narowski, the executive officer of Brown's battalion. "It is absolutely not about gender in terms of how well they will do," he said, adding that he does not know why Brown was pulled out.

Silly, silly Major. Because she's a baby machine, and that's all that matters.

DUH.
Hat tip: Jezebel.

Good sportsmanship

2008-05-01T14:46:00.000-07:00

This is my warm fuzzy of the day.

Freak extraordinaire - "Should I call the police?!" edition

2008-05-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

Somebody found my blog by Googling "i sniff my 9 year old panties".

BARF.

Does this person sniff their own panties, which are 9 years old and crusty? Or is this person sniffing a 9 year old's panties?!

No matter how you slice it, it just comes up wrong.

Beware the gentleman who acts like a gentleman.

2008-05-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

Readers, it's bad enough that ladies such as myself have to constantly dodge rude men. These days, it would seem that a few shady dudes have realized that, since sleazy doesn't work, they might lure in a few unsuspecting females with a polite facade. This tactic has worked on Yours Truly once before. More than once, actually. It's sad to say, but although I still hold out hope that a polite-sounding man is exactly that, I now have a cynical streak, and I am rarely proven wrong.

Case in point:

Yesterday I received this unusually polite email. It almost sounds like pleading, doesn't it?

Hi Ginger, I'd really like to get to know you. I'm hoping you'll read my short profile and let me know if you'd be at all interested in knowing me a bit better too. I hope you do. We could talk a bit, exchange pics, ideas, and see where that takes us. No stress, drama, lies, or expectations. Just nice words between nice people. Does that sound reasonable? I would love to hear back from you. You have nothing to lose, and you just might like who and what you find. Thanks for your time and consideration. If I don't hear back from you, I do wish you nothing but the best.

"Thanks for your time and consideration?" There's something I never hear; actually, it's the kind of thing you'd put on a cover letter. I guess that's appropriate, since the guy was really trying to sell himself. It was so polite as to be shady. Isn't it horrible that I think this way now? I don't want to, but it's a defense mechanism.

Well, I can benefit from the anonymity of the internet just like any of the crazy dudes who email me. I clicked his profile, which read:

I am an attractive and yes, married man with two wonderful children. Long story, but, I'd love to fill you in. I'm really looking for that one special woman that I can spend my free time with. All I do know is that there has to be more to life than what I am experiencing right now. Please contact me if you'd be at all interested. Who knows, you might be surprised.

Oh, honey. Nothing surprises me any more.

I'm really looking for that one special woman that I can spend my free time with.

The time you should be spending with your two wonderful kids?

Who knows what this guy's story is, and who cares. This is gross! You know, it's married people who've done the best job at keeping me from getting married. Now, I'm sure some of y'all are happily married, but I'm not talking about you peeps.

At least he was upfront about being married before we went out. I haven't always been so lucky!

Holy cow

2008-04-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

Remind me why I'm doing the online dating thing again? This was in the profile of a man who's interested in me:

"My barnyard beauties call me 'Pimp Daddy.'"

I...have no words.

Can't begin to interpret it, don't want to.

Is There an Army Cover Up of Rape and Murder of Women Soldiers?

2008-04-28T15:32:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking yes.

Mmmmm, I love the smell of paternal condescension in the morning

2008-04-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

So I open my email box this morning, and what do I find but a note from a 55 year old gentleman called SamPedro:

You're by far the best woman I've seen on this site, in every respect. Too bad you're too young for me.

First of all, what is the deal with guys getting in touch with me just to tell me that we're incompatible? Are they trying to pull a neg? Do they think I'll shoot them an email right back, begging them to give me a chance? They're just annoying me, and they are incompatible with me.

It got better; Sam suggested a few (completely unnecessary) punctuation and grammar edits to my profile. What?!

Thanks, teach, but if you think that's going to charm a lady, you're the one who has lots to learn.

Bardolatry

2008-04-23T18:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my Nan, who at 82 is still the coolest lady I know.

And...

Happy Birthday, Bill! Well, today might not be his actual birthday, although it's widely recognized as such (he died on April 23; being born on the exact same day is pretty unlikely. I guess it adds to the legend). We do know that he was baptized on April 26, which, as it happens, is my sister's birthday.

As I've said before, I am a big nerd. Reading is my main hobby for pleasure, and I considered becoming an English literature major (before Lady Art came calling). I lurve me some Shakespeare, and I really, really lurve me some Kenneth Branagh doing Shakespeare. Here are a couple of treats to celebrate the Bard's birthday.

From Henry V:

From Hamlet:

Extreme makeover

2008-04-23T17:15:00.000-07:00

Look at the left side of the page, my honeys. I have a new icon! Not that there was anything wrong with the old one...yes, it's Jessica Rabbit, and no, I don't look anything like that, because she's a cartoon! I know you all are smart enough to figure that out. I was a fairly convincing JR for Halloween a few years back, though, so she's close to my heart. Maybe some day I'll have the guts to put up a picture from that night.

I wasn't looking for an icon upgrade per se, but yesterday, I got an email from my boss that directed me to this site. Readers, I do retouching, and I think I'm pretty good at it, but...holy shit, this artist is flipping talented. I mean, just look at the before and after:

I'm in awe. Make all the jokes you want about how even female cartoons get retouched now; this is some tight artwork. Besides, the site has un-tooned male characters as well.

If you have ten minutes, watch the process video. Amazing!

Educating the future of America

2008-04-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

Dear 25-and-under dudes:

What is your deal with women my age? Some of you aren't even out of school yet, and you want to date me. You IM me, you email me, you ask to buy me drinks in bars, and you are never dissuaded when I tell you I'm 35! You tell me I look 26, you tell me you 'love the hair', you tell me 'there's just something about an older woman'. What is that thing, exactly? My grandmother thinks it's a sex thing. "They want you to teach them a few things," she once told me.

Eek. I am not Demi, nor are you Ashton. I am definitely not Dr. Ruth. My online profile specifically states that I'm looking for guys in the mid 30s to mid 40s range.

You are all way smoother than I was at your age, which I find both comical and endearing.

What am I supposed to do with you? I can't bring you home to Dad. My girlfriends, the youngest of whom is 26, would think I had lost my shit. My 31 year old sister would probably have me committed. Even if I braved all of that, what the hell are you and I going to talk about? I'm not saying that you're inarticulate or ignorant of world events just because of your age. It's just that so many of your online profiles overflow with your love of Xbox and Howard Stern. On my last outing with my thirtysomething friends, we talked about Darfur, economic growth in China and Super Tuesday. We also talked about squashing, because we'd had a few drinks and are fascinated by weird fetishes, but you get my point.

Another thing: some of y'all are irredeemably cocky.

Take TimTom, for example (not his real screen name). TimTom, 25, emailed me a few months ago to say:

I always say I want someone who can be spontaneous but slow down and enjoy the finer things in life. Damn you had to be 35 huh??? anyways, cool personality! Enjoy it! It's unique.

That's a nice thing to say, isn't it? I was flattered. I also figured that was the end of it. I was swamped at work that week, so I didn't respond right away, although I intended to send back a 'thanks for that, take care' email. I've done that before, and readers, not many women do it, because guys often don't act right when they feel protected by the anonymity of the internet. I actually believed that TimTom was just being friendly and flirty with no further intentions.

I was mistaken. Two days later, I received this angry email:

A thank you would be nice, you dont have to be rude to me. We dont owe each other much, but for a random compliment, being polite goes a long way. I would like to talk to you, and I am very upfront with people. I am not here to get into your pants you are out of my age range, but I like your personality non the less.

Did I miss something? How was I supposed to know that this dude was trying to strike up a correspondence? Was I supposed to know that I had a deadline to respond? Why would anything I did matter to Tim, who had already made it clear that I was too old for him?

Well, readers, I do aim to please. TimTom wanted a response, and he got one:

Um, what? Why am I getting scolded by somebody I've never met or even spoken to? I don't owe you a reply within a certain amount of time, dude. I've been busy at work and haven't been emailing anybody. Maybe I would have written you back once I read your first email, but there's no chance of that now.

Okay, well, I did write him back, but I had to call him out on his sense of entitlement. I have a tendency to attack the entitled. I simply do not understand people who feel that complete strangers owe them something, and I feel this overwhelming need to knock them down a peg. "We don't owe each other much"? You're a complete stranger, homes. I don't owe you anything.

I thought there was no way TimTom would email me back after that rant, but he did. Ladies and Gents, I present a classic example of The Dudely Backpedal:

Not scolding, Just expressing what I feel. Dont take email personal, it's only words your mind forms the expression and mood. Too many people misunderstand this, and that leads to miscommunication which leads to hurt feelings. I admire your confidence.

Oh, it was all a misunderstanding! Thanks for clearing that up so eloquently, Tim. I'm just a silly little girl who no understand da Engliss. I appreciate you taking the time to soothe my hurt widdle fee-fees. My hero!

Not:

Telling someone how they should have reacted to an email is presumptuous, Tim. You didn't hurt my feelings, you pissed me off by being rude. Try to use your "words your mind forms" to be a little nicer to the next woman that you email. I am out of your age range, as you said, so why don't we just leave it there?

Predictably, Tim couldn't leave it there.

Are you normally agressive like that? I am curious before I get off here to know because you seem like you want a friendship but your throwing my words back at me. If I truly pissed you off it wasnt intentional, I talk my mind. Isnt that better than someone who continuously kisses your ass until they get what they want and leave?

Oh, lord. In one email, Yours Truly was transformed from a confused shrinking violet into Boudica. Might as well have fun with it, right?

No, Tim, I fire back when someone is rude to me. Live and learn - you can speak your mind without being a jerk. I don't put up with rudness, ass kissing, or any kind of nonsense. That's one reason I don't date young - you're way out of my "age range", too. Take this as a lesson to act right if you like confident, mature women. Good luck to you.

I chucked a great deal of TimTom's attitude up to his age and inexperience with women. I showed my friend Liz our correspondence; after she shook her head and laughed, "Only you," she clicked on his full profile, which I will paraphrase:

I am very busy and have plenty of friends. I don't need a girlfriend, don't have time for one at this point. My friends keep me busy and women come second and they need to know that.

Translation: how do I talk to a girl? They have vaginas and I'm scared. I try to sound smart by insulting them. Someone help!

TimTom had fully deserved the email takedown that I had unleashed on him, but I started to soften up after reading his profile. Like the little boy on the playground who gets nervous around the girls in his class, Tim was just pulling my pigtails. I understand that boy very well, because I used to punch the crap out of him when he pulled my ponytail in grade school.

As if he'd read my mind, Tim emailed me again.

I don't totally agree with what you're saying but I am going to thank you for your opinion. As you say live and learn. If we can be friends I can use the use the extra knowledge. Maybe you can tell me more about what a woman wants and how to find a more confident mature woman? I am really tired of dealing with all the 23-28 year old drama.

I feel you, TimTom. Truce!

Fair enough, Tim. I am not a dating coach, but I would recommend that you keep it real. That's the best advice I can give anyone, and I follow that rule myself. Good luck.

Last week, Tim sent me another email:

Hey, I hope you are well and wanted to see how you've been.

That was sweet. I took another look at his profile, to see if he'd changed it. He had, and in it, he described himself as a good and loyal friend, someone who wants to meet nice, no-drama women for friendship or something more serious.

He did well! That attitude will most definitely help him with the ladies. I felt like a proud mama. I thought it best not to respond to his email, though. After all, he's out of my age range.

Um, 'A' for effort?

2008-04-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

The online dating thing is tough, but it has its entertaining moments. Here's one of the latest email gems I've received:

"Oh My God! What a Princess!! You are really one sweet girl, even more! You are proof that paradise beings live among us mortals!! Gosh those who live arround you are truly blessed!...You are gorgeous!...

Du är strålande vackert! vilken underbar paradiset varelse!!!...That´s Swedish for: You are illuminating Beautiful! What a wonderful paradise being!

La vostra Bellezza lucida como il sole, ed il vostro sorriso lucida come il cielo di tramonto!!...Parla lei l´Italiano?

Bacio a voi!...a Kiss to you, sweet angel!"

Wowee. That's what I call a diamond turd.

He's enthusiastic, I'll give him that! Direct, no beating around the bush. I do like that. Good use of foreign languages, too...I love a worldly man.

On the other hand, my experiences with men have taught me that any guy who refers to a woman as a 'paradise being' is probably just a few drinks away from skinning and wearing her. Stalkerrific!

Craigslist goodness

2008-04-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

This made me laugh all the way through. Poor slob.

I think I've met this guy.

Oh dear God. As a woman, I have to deal with all kinds of shit, but this will never be a problem for me.

I don't think I've ever liked a man enough to do this.

Awwww.

My Bush

2008-04-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

The above doll is a joke Christmas gift that my sister bought for me at a drugstore - a singing, dancing George W. Just what I've always wanted!

Except not. Like some male members, I lean to the left. My sister and I were raised by Reagan Republicans; she turned out conservative, while I wound up liberal (or 'bleeding heart liberal', as Sister Girl has sometimes called me). She knew I'd get a kick out of her drugstore find. When you squeeze a certain spot on W's arm, he spouts things like "I'm the decider!", and "I think it's a budget! It's gotta lotta numbers in it!". My favorite is "The future will be better tomorrow!". I'm so proud that our country has been trashed by this genius for 8 years.

I think I've mentioned before that I work in marketing, with a very liberal group that is mostly male. We're a pretty funny, mostly politically incorrect crew. When I first brought George into work, everybody was fascinated, and for a while I had to hear "I'm the decider!" more often than I would have liked as coworkers squeezed the doll's arm out of curiosity. George cracked everybody up, mostly because the guy who did the voice for the doll sounds just like the real thing.

One afternoon a few weeks back, we were having a group meeting around my desk. George was present, since he occupies the spot next to my computer.

Without thinking, one of my coworkers said, "Ginger, your little Bush is so creepy."

Cue hysterical laughter from everybody, myself included. No way does anybody get away with a statement like that in my department.

Male coworker 1: Dude! I don't think you can say that to her.

Male coworker 2: You have to take her out to dinner first.

Male coworker 3: Yeah, so she can blog about it!

Things calmed down after a few minutes, and turned our attention back to the presentation critique. We had to make a change to a logo; specifically, we had to scale down an element that the client referred to as a 'plumb-bob'.

Male coworker 4: (leaning over) What the hell is a plumb bob?

Ginger: (leaning in, conspiratorially): It's what I use to clean my Bush.

Zing! Even for me, that was a good one.

Male coworker 4 and I both pretty much lost our shit. He had the giggles so bad that he had to get up and leave the room for a minute.

Sadly, nobody touches my Bush anymore.

Today's the kind of Monday that needs a redhead joke.

2008-04-14T17:34:00.000-07:00

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his redheaded wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman, and your brother."

Panty raid

2008-04-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

SnarkScribe recently put up this hilarious post about some idiot who keeps a 'girlfriend closet' - that is, a collection of clothes that he would dress his girlfriends in. The man should just get a Real Doll, but then, they don't talk back (although for a certain type of man, I'm sure that's part of the appeal).

Right after college, I got a retail job at the local mall with Jones New York. One of my coworkers, Michael, fancied himself a real ladies' man. He thought he was smooth, always telling me about his various conquests or talking up his 'legendary' backrubs. He was the stock sitcom character at the office who's always on the make.

One day, during a slow period, Michael and I were folding shirts to pass the time. I think I mentioned that I still had one of my ex boyfriend's shirts. I had found it in a pile of stuff, and was agonizing over whether or not to throw it out. I was still getting over the breakup, and my ex's shirt smelled like him, which triggered all kinds of emotions and flashbacks to when things were good between us. Ah, young love; it bears such a very close resemblance to complete insanity. Michael, in what was quite possibly the most horribly misguided attempt at coworker bonding in history, told me that he could relate to my conundrum. He had a panty collection, which he felt guilty about, but couldn't get rid of.

You heard that right.

Michael had stolen a pair of previously worn panties from every girl he'd ever fucked; he kept them in a large photo album, each one carefully sealed inside a Ziploc sandwich bag.

Those of you who are twisted enough to read this blog on a regular basis have probably figured out where this is going...

...and you're right. The Panty Filcher would periodically take the aforementioned unmentionables out of the plastic and take a big whiff. It goes without saying that he got off on it.

BARF.

Okay. I do not, do not get this about guys! Granted, not all guys do this, but the ones that do...what is wrong with you? I don't want to sniff my own panties. I certainly don't want to take a whiff of my guy's BVDs. Loyal bepenised readers, help me out here. Yo no comprendo.

Anyhow, back to my story. When I got up off the floor - I was seriously busting a gut from laughing so hard - I told Mr. Smoothie that he might just have a mental problem. I also advised that he move to Japan. To his credit, he freely admitted his own douchery and laughed about it. Perhaps I was being a bit harsh, because he had, in fact, helped me out.

I went home that night and threw out my ex's shirt. I would have burned it in the fireplace if it wasn't summertime.

Yeah, I've been lazy

2008-04-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

I'll have a new post up soon. In the meantime, enjoy this insanity from Christopher Walken.

Go away

2008-04-03T15:20:00.001-07:00

Whomever found my blog by googling "work sweater tits desk", you need therapy. Same goes for you, "Ginger + Honey Penis Growth".